Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Nutrition and Meal Prep Self Care

How to have a happy holiday

The holiday season is not a black hole. It’s not the proverbial Vegas where anything goes and we’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. But we kinda pretend it is, don’t we? Things like nutrition, movement, and good connections often get pushed aside as we work really hard to enjoy the season. How’s that for paradox.

As if personal life wasn’t enough, five years of marriage to an entrepreneur + running my own business has taught me something else about holiday season: Mid-November through December is always a battle. There’s a lot to do week-to-week and that doesn’t just stop because we got the perfect snowfall or there are Christmas movies that need watching.

So things like nutrition are thrown off but the need to perform remains the same (or is perhaps even raised since available time decreases). Nutrition and human connection are vital assets of quality performance – giving you energy, focus, mental clarity, and stamina. Poor nutrition choices can not only leave you feeling “blah” but also set you up for being down & out in the aftermath. So how do we make this work?

Or perhaps the better question, how do we use the holiday season to our advantage – strengthening the relationships that keep us grounded, celebrating the big and small of the year, and throwing love and hope around like confetti? All of which serve us and our community in the long run but often get stifled by the poor habits that come out when family, food, and stuff enter the picture.

We all want time with our family and friends to feel happy and meaningful. Perhaps overeating and little squabbles feel like a part of the package - but they don't have to be. Here are 12 ways to be mindful during your holiday season and a happier and healthier you. Read more: http://alisanelson.co

So how DO we make this work??

We prepare, my friend.

This post is going to be full of lists. And that’s because it’s going to be full of tools for you to take with you on your holiday vacation, your office party, your neighbor’s open house, New Year’s, and beyond.

To start, let’s set our intention for the holiday season:

  • I will not overstimulate my mind + body with excessive decisions. I will prepare now so I can be present + engaged then.
  • I will use this extra time with friends + family to foster deep connection. I will choose my people over food, comfort, activity, etc.
  • If time with family is usually difficult: I will intentionally spend time with people who love + support me [from grocery shopping to laundry folding to a small holiday party] so I can go into family events anchored to truth even as the tensions rise.

Next list. Here’s what I know about the holidays:

[Getting a handle on the common pitfalls and weak points can help us know where to focus our energy for best results.]

  1. Nostalgia is exciting — and comfortable. We love comfortable and it very quickly becomes the unseen goal of the season if we are not careful.
  2. Food gets a lot of attention. Planning meals for 30 people for 4 days will do that! Unfortunately that leaves many people with guilt, shame, frustration instead of joy.
  3. Scarcity mindset runs rampant – holiday favorites from food to movies to activities, we want it all right now before it’s too late. It becomes an excuse to eat way past full – we lose our minds trying to take it all in [quick!].
  4. Family time dregs up all sorts of memories we want to forget driving us toward our usual numbing habits to stifle connection and sterilize the environment. Social media, sarcasm, overly competitive, food, drink, vegging out, passive aggression, perfectionism – we armor up and coast through at surface level.

It doesn’t have to be that way. So to help you I’ve compiled my best strategies for staying mindful and optimizing for connection during social gatherings. This is straight out of the nutrition portion of my coaching program where I help women establish a habit of moderation in all circumstances.

To begin, here are 6 ways to prepare for successful holiday gatherings:

  1. Picture the people you will see, think about how you want them to feel during the holidays, and especially after they spend time with you. Hold that image in your mind and compare it to eating your favorite dessert or dish – mentally remind yourself that people > food.
  2. Practice mindful meditation – take 10-20 minutes to focus in on your breath, letting thoughts and emotions pass you by. Tuning in to the present will help bring awareness to your decisions and your behavior — your best shot at avoiding old habit pathways. If you’re new to mindful meditation, the free app Headspace has a 10 day intro. Apps Calm and Insight Timer also have lots of free + short meditations.
  3. Prepare a few meaningful questions to ask the people you sit with at dinner or while you’re sitting around or playing games. Especially during meals, having a conversation about an adventure you want to take in the new year or a habit you want to develop can help everyone stay more present and eat slower. Now you’re getting real connection AND you’re more likely to stop eating when you feel satisfied.
  4. Meditate on an abundance mantra as you drive to your event. “I am satisfied”, “I have enough”, “My life is full of blessings”. Focusing your attention on contentment and satisfaction can help you stay sober-minded about food or other habits you have when you’re feeling rushed or not enough.
  5. Alternatively, play a game in the car of naming as many things you’re truly, deeply grateful for as you can. Go 2-4 layers deeper than “my car” or “my family.” Get really specific and say WHY.
  6. Finally, and this is really practical, if it’s an evening event – like a work party or neighborhood party – eat a small meal beforehand. A bowl of soup or chili to take the edge off your hunger. It will be easier to be selective about what you choose to eat if you’ve already gotten some protein + fat in your system. [Also, drink plenty of water.]

To wrap up our holiday lists, here are 6 ways to stay mindful while you are at your holiday gatherings:

  1. If you have a past of restrictive dieting, don’t tell yourself an outright “no” about anything. You are more likely to hyperfocus on it. Instead, I’ve got a couple of guidelines to help you enjoy in moderation:
  2. Neghar Fonooni’s 1st bite rule: Every bite should be as good as the first. As soon as it no longer does, choose to be done. (This means you are paying attention to + tasting every bite). This goes for all kinds of food or drink.
  3. Jill Coleman’s 3-bite rule: When it comes to dessert, take 3 bites and move on. Skip the part where you say “I could never do that!” I promise you can. It will take practice, of course, but you’re bound to have plenty of opportunities in the next few weeks.
  4. Avoid filling your plate full, even for meals. Take small portions and take a break between helpings. Give yourself space to start digesting and make a mindful decision about what you will eat. Remember: it might feel like this is the only time you can eat mashed potatoes, but it really isn’t. You can make them (or buy them) any day of the week.
  5. Make a personal game of telling as many people as you can 1-2 things you like about them specifically or why you are thankful for them.
  6. Lastly, remember that the mind plays tricks (not on purpose…): we have a harder time saying “no” to colorful food – use it to your advantage with vegetables and beware with Christmas cookies. Also, your brain will try to tell you that food (or Instagram) will help you feel less awkward/lonely/uncomfortable. It won’t.

 

These strategies are designed to pull your attention into the present moment to maximize human connection while minimizing poor nutrition choices. If you can increase the quality of your holiday gatherings, you will return to your work engaged, inspired, and ready to face new problems.

I so deeply hope your holiday season is filled to the brim with connection and meaning. But I know that is hard to come by so these strategies are my gift to you so you can have moments that are filled to the brim. May this be a time when you forego assumptions or putting on a face that garners praise in exchange for real human connection that will take you further into the New Year than anything else.

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

How to connect with strangers for better cooperation

Human connection can best be described as the love, belonging, and empathy that exists between two people or a group of people. It’s interesting actually because we categorize these to the spiritual realm – in the Church we call it “community” – but it is also observable by scientists. Special parts of our brains light up and synchronize with the people we are “in community” with. We connect and resonate.

 

That connection paves a way for cooperation AND it meets a deep human need for social living. When we have genuine connection, the brain is free to focus on solving problems and growing new skills. But without it, we suffer the consequences of survival state.

 

We often hear how connection takes time. Building trust in a relationship where both parties feel seen + loved is hard to come by in short bursts.

 

For those who spend the majority of their time serving people they will only meet occasionally – but require cooperation — the question becomes, how do you experience that connection described above with a stranger? Today I hope to give you an effective way forward.
Human connection is an essential element to achieving a collective goal AND overall wellness. Your brain craves it. But what if you spend most of your time with strangers? Read on for strategies. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

But first, why do we really care about human connection?

 

The biggest reason is because we are wired for it. Social connection is a basic need – demonstrated by a newborn baby. Even with an immature brain the social centers are active helping them form attachment to their parents and training them to cry when that attachment feels absent. And we know it carries on into adulthood – just ask any mother about her compulsion to pick up her crying babe.

 

The mammalian brain has adapted in order to increase its probability of survival. And in the words of social psychologist Dr. Matthew Lieberman, the brain bet on our being social. We even have a warning system that goes off when we experience social isolation or rejection. The neurotransmitter serotonin is used by the brain to motivate us to take action when it senses a loss in social status or connection. The hormone oxytocin pushes us to seek social support during times of stress.

 

What does connection do for us?

 

Let me tell you a secret about me. Ok, it’s probably not really a secret because if we met you’d see it right away. I’m a nervous-laugher. And it can get really bad. From people talking to me about my kids in the grocery checkout to meeting a new person at church, I have a hard time keeping myself from just filling the void with my nervous laugh. I blame it on my Relator strength. It gives me a strong desire to empathize…but doesn’t necessarily mean I’m very good at it.

 

I think I laugh for a couple of reasons. The first is that giggling releases endorphins – I can only assume my brain picked up the habit at some point and the release feels good, so it stuck around. The second reason is that laughter is a way to build connections with people. When someone is saying silly things to my kids (that they don’t understand), my laughter shows them that I don’t consider them a threat. I may not know what to say but I recognize they mean no harm and they can walk away enjoying my kids’ smiles instead of my scowling or confused face.

 

This is the same reason I laugh at my daughter’s jokes. She’s gotten pretty good at telling them but also, I want to respond in a way that shows her there is space for her to be silly. She belongs here. She is loved and seen.

 

When she feels that deep sense of belonging she can focus better. She is more cooperative. She is kinder to her brother. She asks for help to solve problems as if we’re a team.

 

In people-focused work, you need all these things too. You need engaged and connected people. Whether they are kids or adults. But how do you do that if you only see them for a few minutes? Or only once every week / month / year?

 

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First — Recognize that most people are stressed out

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Most people are stressed about something. Whether it is directly related to you or not, you can expect they have other things on their minds + hearts. Stress acts to bring our attention inward – as we become hyperfocused on our own pain. This disconnects us from our environment and the people around us.

 

What’s more, feeling alone in an unfamiliar place brings uncertainty. Making them feel vulnerable. What’s our reaction to vulnerability (in most cases)? Pull in even more. Control, deflect, numb.

 

When you approach a person who feels distant, unkind, or selfish the best starting point for making connection is to let all that go. If you respond accordingly, you will further alienate the person, and you’ll walk away feeling pretty crappy as well. But internally recognizing that this person has a story that you don’t yet know opens you up to be curious and kind.

 

This also tells your own stress system (the one getting fidgety over this person who seems to be rejecting you) that you don’t need to feel threatened. That you have what it takes to overcome this obstacle. In turn your brain will focus its energy on solving the problem rather than on your own controlling, deflecting, and numbing habits.

 

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Second —  Make genuine small talk

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Cue eye roll. I know “small talk” is commonly put down. Especially by those of us who want a reputation of being all deep and stuff. I’m talking about me, ya’ll. Working on it. But small talk is a powerful tool in the pursuit of human connection.

 

Questions like “how was your weekend” and “how’s your family” can be ok entry points. But when you ask a person a question about their day or their lives it needs to be accompanied by nonverbal signals that you actually intend to listen.

 

We all know what it’s like – the friend who says “how are you?!” as they blow right past you with no intention to hear your answer. Versus the friend who asks the very same question but we sense intuitively that they are present + focused on your reply.

 

You can be that person. Even to strangers.

 

When I worked at Starbucks I was surrounded by seasoned baristas. And it was instantly clear who the store favorites were. They were the men and women who made an effort to look at customers, remember names, and ask follow up questions about yesterday’s interview. Customers lingered at the bar, celebrated our birthdays with us, asked for pictures of our kids, told us stories about theirs, and we bought their girl scout cookies. One even gave my husband’s new business a shout out when he launched a kickstarter campaign.

 

All because when we asked “what’s going on today?” — and they answered — we listened and asked more questions. 

 

My favorites were the quiet ones. I tried hard to not be intrusive but wanted them especially to know that even they are seen. They don’t need to be loud or share their life story, but I see them, they belong here too, and we are so grateful for their presence.

 

You know what also happened at that store? We’d serve well over 100 customers in a couple of hours. So I’m not talking about a handful of regulars that would sit around and chat politics. I’m talking dozens that we would interact with for maybe two minutes from the time they ordered a drink to when they left.

 

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Third — Help them into the present moment

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We mostly operate on habits. It is energy-saving for the brain. Then, in new situations, we depend on previously established models for how to interact and behave. Mental models composite themselves whether we are aware of it or not.

 

The formation of mental models is incredibly important. They help us survive and decrease the burden of our environment as information is compressed into one big image rather than many discrete parts. The downside is we stop engaging in the way we think about our environment – and therefore how we feel about it. We stop considering how our mental model might need some updating.

 

When a stressed out person approaches you, it is very likely that they are interacting based on habit. This means that while they talk to you, answer your questions, and complete the necessary tasks they are not really interacting with YOU. They are interacting with the “you” of their mental model. That could be based on a person they met years ago or an experience they can’t even remember triggered by the way you greeted them. The brain is crazy, right?

 

So you have the opportunity now with this information to alter your approach. Invite them out of autopilot. The small talk you use, the environment of your office, the way you make eye contact – these can help to coax a person into the present moment.

 

Of course you can’t force a person to be present. But you can set the tone by being present yourself. Talking to yourself about what you see, getting curious about another person’s world, simulating in your mind what their life might be like. These are all actions that the brain is actually really good at but like any muscle it must be used to become prominent.

 

When you are present you become naturally more empathic because your brain is tuning in to the immediate environment rather than functioning off of old scripts and habits. With empathy we get connection.

 

And with connection we get cooperation and a better sense of wellbeing for all.

 

You can make this a new habit for yourself. Cuing yourself every time you hear the door open or when go refill your water bottle (or coffee cup) consider one of these prompts:

  • take note of how you are feeling
  • remind yourself why you are doing this work.
  • Look for something right this second that you genuinely appreciate.
  • Connect your current work day with your future goals as a necessary piece in your personal story.
  • Think of your biggest supporters.

 

Each of these can act to pull you back into the present moment and ground you in the midst of stress. These are also associated with our basic need for social standing and support. In turn they can stimulate the release of neurotransmitters that will help you respond better to stress and give you a rush of good feelings (making presence of mind feel good).

 

Action steps:

Self-awareness:

  • Consider your own experiences – where have you felt welcomed, seen, understood? How has that affected your behavior and emotional outlook?
  • What is your current behavior like at work? How do you greet people? What is the usual result?
  • Have you seen an instance where the way you approached a person seemed to bring them out of their shell? What did you do?
  • How do you currently think about the people you interact with at work or around town? Start noticing the thoughts you have first and how those thoughts impact your openness to them.

    Related post: 5 benefits of self-awareness

 

Small talk:

  • Challenge yourself in the small talk department – start to ask follow up questions and make eye contact.
  • Put more thought into your comments + questions — weather and the weekend tend to be favorites but is there something else you can ask that will get more than an “oh yea I like the fall colors too”?

    Related post: 3 things you should know when you work with people

 

Staying present:

Wrapping up —

It doesn’t take much to help a person move beyond uncertainty + isolation —–> connection + cooperation.

It’s important to keep your efforts focused on what you can control – and that’s your own state of mind. Remembering that people are naturally preoccupied by other stuff, being intentional with your small talk, and keeping your brain awake so you can respond appropriately to the moment will help you gain trust even in only a few minutes time.