Category: Raising Capable Kids

Categories
Raising Capable Kids

Raising capable kids: autonomy in household tasks

Here’s the big idea: kids are capable of contributing to household needs through an individualized training approach. It’s a simple concept that can be challenging to implement – which is why I’m deconstructing our process at home right now. Like most large topics, this outlining of ideas and strategies needs to come in small chunks but I get asked about it enough that it’s time I start working toward a written document of what has been a 3-4 year ever-evolving system in our home.

Starting steps for training kids to contribute to household needs. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

 

There are many areas in which kids need to develop capability – there’s foundational skills like literacy, systematic thinking, and deadlifting, there’s specialized skills like art, music, bike riding, or a specific sport, and there’s the skills related to care of self and home. As parents we are most often thinking about how to make our children’s worlds as big as possible – how do we best use our time together to raise capable kids filled with the skills they need to make whatever they can dream up happen?

While the Olympics were going on in February, it occurred to me how natural it is to think about developing specialized skills for performance on a more global stage (where global is simply beyond the household). However, I think we often overlook the importance of training our children to contribute to the household…until we see adults patting themselves on the back for getting their laundry done.

 

I get asked about this topic frequently because I share images of our life which includes my kids being responsible for keeping our home.

Frey (5.5) making scrambled eggs. She has been cooking regularly since she was around 2.5 to 3 years old.

Inventory, my children currently contribute to (and lead):

  • Breakfast preparation for whole family
  • Lunch + Snack preparation for self
  • Dinner prep: Chopping vegetables, cooking rice/pasta, cooking meat, washing fruit, grating cheese, setting the table
  • Taking care of dirty dishes after meals
  • Emptying the dishwasher
  • Sweeping + mopping floors
  • Vacuuming all carpeted areas
  • Cleaning main spaces of house and personal bedroom
  • Making their beds
  • Washing, drying all laundry
  • Folding and putting away their clothing + all towels
  • Cleaning the bathroom
  • Getting themselves dressed + ready for the day (including selecting clothing appropriate for activity / weather)
  • Personal hygiene
  • Getting themselves ready for naps / bedtime
  • Preparing themselves for leaving the house (including getting outdoor clothes on and gathering any required materials for destination – i.e. library books they need to return)
  • Pantry inventory + compiling the grocery list for the week / month
  • Helping plan the meals for the week
  • Garden planning + care

 

Acquiring the above list has been in process over the last 3-4 years where we have slowly added new skills as kids’ physical capability grows and the need arises. A study in the big ideas employed by women like Maria Montessori directed our attention to the importance of “if the child can do it, they should do it” and we began designing our space to allow for small children to become as autonomous as possible from the time Freyda was around 18 months old. We continue to reassess our home to modify as a new level of independence becomes possible.

 

I have also worked to internalize Montessori’s focus on observing the child you have. Children go through stages in which areas of development are naturally interesting. For example, Arthur has been in a language phase for about a year. He is excited to practice reading pretty much whenever asked and will often initiate a conversation on letters (that starts with ___, that word rhymes with ___) and words (what does ___ mean?). In parallel, he has a growing interest in writing and drawing. These interests are predictable as he sees his older sister do things AND has gained prerequisite skills that open up the possibility of gaining new skills in language.

 

An amoeba is a good visual for how I’ve seen this play out. Amoebas are microscopic organisms that are constantly extending pieces of themselves in order to envelop nutrients in their environment and move around. They can extend in multiple directions and are pretty oddly shaped. So it is with a child’s capability. A child’s zone of capability is not perfectly round where every area is expanding at a uniform rate. This means that parents cannot take a uniform or standardized approach to capability growth. Sometimes a child will show natural interest or “readiness” – I’ve certainly heard stories of children initiating potty training or learning to read. Other times the parent must assess the child’s readiness based on associated capabilities and the needs of the household. Meaning if the child has prerequisite skills, they don’t need to explicitly tell you they are ready, (nor does the learning period need to be instantaneous – why would we expect them to get something on the first try?).

Arthur fixing a snack at age 3

Quick anecdote to illustrate:

Freyda began folding laundry at a much younger age – before she was 2. Whereas Arthur only recently began contributing beyond sorting or finding his own clothes – after he turned 3. For Frey it was because she taught herself how to fold. She would fold and re-fold burp cloths as part of play. Arthur on the other hand began contributing because we knew he was capable – not because he showed a particular interest. We began in a similar way as Freyda – he helped sort laundry and practiced folding small towels and rags. But because he was older he was expected to progress at a faster rate to the point where he is expected to contribute the same amount as Freyda after just a few months. As Arthur’s capability grew, we began to expand Freyda’s responsibilities where she learned to run the washer and dryer and now works together with her brother to execute every step of the laundry procedure rather than just the folding and putting away.

 

As I wrap up this first segment I’ll touch on a couple key elements that were involved in the above laundry example: agile thinking and procedures.

 

It’s easier when the child initiates developing a skill or acquiring new responsibilities. But that is rare by my estimation. More often it’s up the parents to be thinking about the edges of their children’s capabilities and what does the household need from its participants. This is difficult to do because it feels a bit anti-schedule and it’s certainly anti-curriculum. If you’ve ever ventured into Pinterest territory on early education ideas then you’ll see the expected path of development in the form of seasonally themed activities. Specific to household – any “chore list” will be very basic, and more geared toward “water play” than an expectation that a toddler or preschooler will contribute substantively. Montessori is an exception in some ways but not all…I still most often see it executed as activities determined by what the child expresses interest in over the needs of the household.

 

To have agile-thinking in your child’s development you have to

1. Know their current capabilities [specific to each child].  To be agile is to be able to quickly change directions. Looking closely at your own child will help you develop a personalized approach that can pivot when needed rather than getting stuck in any one direction.

2. Consider what a household task entails physically and mentally.What does the child need to understand in terms of safety or in order to reach the desired outcome? Do they need a stool? Are the tools appropriate sizes for their hands? What’s the simplest (yet useful) skill they can begin practicing first? Most likely you will be able to find clever ideas online in terms of increasing your child’s independence.

Some changes that have made a big impact for us:

  • Stools everywhere
  • Kitchen layout that gives children access to their own dishes, storage containers, and the appliances we use regularly
  • Water station where they can fill measuring cups, drink cups, cereal bowls, etc without needing access to the sink
  • Lots of rags in easy reach for cleaning
  • Oatmeal making station where all ingredients are kept in one place
  • Simple ingredient cleaning supplies so they can handle them without me
  • Appropriately sized toilet seat

 

Once you’ve got some entry points for how your children can contribute their current + growing capability to the needs of the household, it’s time to think about procedures. This has been surprisingly difficult for me – I’m not very methodical by nature so it’s taken time to uncover why I do things the way I do and pass those on (or change my habits) as appropriate (ie sweeping pattern for efficiency and efficacy).

 

[[I also had to confront the fact that I run around the house like a crazy person when we are trying to leave.]]

 

Everything a child does should have a procedure linked to it – if it doesn’t it will still fall to you to ensure everything gets done. Which means you’ll have kids all dressed in their snow gear who suddenly need to use the bathroom because you didn’t think to remind them to do it before they got dressed. Sure, you might be capable of holding each step in your head and issuing the next element at the appropriate time – [[necessary for a time since remembering a set of instructions is itself a skill that children acquire as their brains develop]] – but your kids will continue to be habituated toward waiting for the next instruction rather than letting one action initiate another in the procedure (ie needing mom’s reminder to wash hands rather than habituating turning on the sink water after flushing the toilet).

 

Example procedure our kids use when preparing to leave the house:

  1. Gather all necessary materials for in the car (library books, grocery bags, etc)
  2. Use the bathroom
  3. Get dressed
  4. Get in the car and buckle up

 

Now it is my job to initiate the procedure rather than each individual step for leaving the house.

 

There is a lot more to be said on this topic but I’m ending here for now. 

Action steps:

  1. Inventory how your children currently contribute
  2. What’s the adjacent possible?
  3. What do those new roles require physically and mentally? What behaviors indicate your child is capable of beginning to learn the new skills?
  4. What adaptations does your home need to increase independence in completing the task?
  5. What procedure will you train your child in to decrease confusion and increase self-management?

 

Things to keep in mind:

  1. Training in a skill just outside current capability most often has a learning curve.
  2. Your child will most likely suck at first. They are learning to coordinate a new skill’s physical movement alongside extending attention span and following a new procedure that hasn’t been habituated yet.
  3. You will get frustrated. Again, that’s just a part of the territory when expecting a child to learn something new in order to contribute. Frustration may be a sign of needing to rethink the procedure but it is not a given that the child isn’t “ready” or that you just aren’t cut out for this.
  4. This takes commitment. Which will get a whole post all to itself. But as a visual: whenever a mom asks me about potty training one of the first things I talk about it that you must get rid of the diapers…if they are an option in your mind you’ll be looking for signs they aren’t ready rather than signs that they are getting it.
  5. You are giving a gift to your future self and the future self of your child – autonomy, power of an attentive mind that takes pride in their work and values their time, a foundation of skills that many current adults don’t have, a family that is capable of doing work together, etc.

 

I’d love to include answers to your questions in future posts – leave a comment below or on social media!

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

Why I quit my business

Back at the start of 2017 I went through a long process to uncover what this next year would look like. I couldn’t shake the feeling that what I kept working toward and what I value most were in conflict. After identifying the sources of my self-contention I made the decision to step out of the online business highway so I can live better aligned with my own values + my family. This post is to tell the story of that decision and what’s next over here at alisanelson.co.

Warning! The following content contains radical ideas such as: People should think; Empathy is addicting; And leveling up requires discomfort. Proceed at your own risk.

 

If we’re being entirely honest here, my story isn’t really the point. I want to disclose what I’m up to as I still intend to use this website but there are a handful of key principles that I think I’ll just lay right out:

  1. A willingness to let go of what you thought was true in the face of new [evidence-based] information is an invaluable skill.

  2. Your rate of success on reaching whatever goals you set for yourself largely hinges on 2 things: 1) how well you can make yourself do the stuff you don’t want to do and 2) how well you understand the system you’re working in…not on a specific [procedural] formula.

  3. A guru or expert will never be able to replace the role of you doing your own thinking…even if they claim they can. They can provide a framework for how to think about their domain. They can give you the working principles and the language. But you will still have work to do. If they claim otherwise, run away…They’ve spent their time on the wrong stuff and you’re not going to see sustainable change.

  4. The brain’s survival mechanism works against us in the above 3 points. Letting go of what we felt certain of, doing the stuff that’s hard + painful, relying on our own thinking…they all leave our brain screaming for happy chemicals. So we go running back to the “experts” or pick a new one since “that just didn’t work for us.” New = dopamine rush. Community = oxytocin rush. Both have the potential to keep us stuck.

  5. Community and empathy are great. But they don’t necessarily help you solve problems. So you may walk away from a webinar or girls night feeling all lit up and understood, but that doesn’t mean you now have what it takes to face your life tomorrow. The good feelings, however, can mask that reality and you’re back to square 1 trying to figure out why you still have low motivation, low follow-through, and no plan for how to change things.

 

Now is where I’ll go into a bit on life right now and what I’m working toward but that up there is the meat + potatoes. It’s what I’ve always wanted people to understand through my coaching. My frustration over how many women don’t seem to understand that you can’t talk about how you want to be fit/mindful/happy/successful and then keep thinking the same way you always have is part of what kept me in coaching…I wanted to do my part to bring change. But as you’ll read, I’ve chosen to let go of that as a “career” goal. It’s deeply rooted in who I am, no change there. But right now running a business around that is not what I’m going for. I think there is a better way to apply my passion and skills.

 

A final word as I dive in, where I’m at today is because I stopped resisting the reality of that list up there. I’m no more immune to survival brain as anyone else. So it’s my hope that in sharing some of the story you will have an example to think of as you seek to embrace them for yourself.

 

The original intent: January – May 2016

Originally I created alisanelson.co to be my first step into coaching creative entrepreneurs on how to maintain their mental + emotional health while scaling their businesses. It was my transition from in-person personal training to online business. However, as I began I started to see there was a cost to that path that I wasn’t interested in paying. I don’t think details are all that important right now – I simply believe it’s my responsibility to continuously analyze how my current actions will affect the future. The future before me didn’t interest me enough to apply my energy in that direction and worse, my trying to force a fit was sucking energy away from my family. Self-contention will do that.

 

So on to the next idea: September – December 2016

I began interviewing women last Fall who were in positions that demanded a near-constant outpouring to other people. Teaching, Nursing, Ministry, Motherhood, etc. I wanted a better picture of where these types of women were getting stuck and how to come alongside them using my experience in wellness and my interest in high performance living. I assumed developing a coaching program would be the next step. And I was certainly moving in that direction, taking a course on marketing and reading up on programming methods.

But yet again, as the New Year approached and I started thinking about goals, I looked at what I could have accomplished by 2018 with my current path and I was just not interested. Somewhere along the way my trajectory was getting pushed off target. It was frustrating, to say the least. I could identify my hang ups but the glaring question of what to do with this passion of mine made me uncomfortable. [I’m sure I’ll look back at those journal pages and laugh one day.] So I did what I’ve learned to do when things don’t feel (or look) right – I pressed pause. Midway through an email sequence with my subscribers introducing them to new services. After already taking on my first beta coaching client. Talk about a rush of cortisol. But cortisol always subsides eventually and my priority was to understand the self-contention I was experiencing so whatever direction I went in would get my best effort. I didn’t want to go searching for a new idea that would send  my dopamine surging…the “crash” after was too familiar: Hustle, hustle, hustle. Experience exorbitant amounts of self-doubt, anger toward my family, and soon-to-follow emotional flatness / depression. I couldn’t do it again. There was something off and I had to get to the root cause.

Warning: I’m about to get on my soap box.

Pressing pause helped me learn something important about myself. Or more accurately, helped me stop denying something about myself: I don’t want to help people obsess over their health. And I definitely don’t want to enable people to stay stuck.

The marketing course I was taking stopped me in my tracks as it described the kinds of businesses that are especially successful: Businesses that teach people about money, relationships, health, and spirituality. [All major shame triggers.]

Get clients addicted to your content then profit off their cortisol/dopamine fluxes.

Now is that what everyone is consciously doing? No, of course not. I have no doubt there are many who are actively trying to help people overcome obstacles and encourage them to think for themselves. I would argue they tend to be found on a different level (and that what looks like helping is actually not). Overall, you are being promised something, and perhaps you get a taste, but for the majority, all it really ends up being is enough dopamine to tide you over until you get stuck again…you haven’t gained any real new insight into how to solve your own problem. Instead you’ve created a habit loop that tells you to go running to these “experts” every time you feel uncomfortable.

People are addicted to encouragement, quick fixes, shiny objects, over-spiritualized nonsense, and survival-based language that puts up the brain’s panic antennae and induces stress (the stupid-waste-of-time kind). The system actively inhibits a person’s ability to truly move forward in their lives. Instead it encourages obsession over the stuff that should be the background of our lives…the food we eat, our clothing brand, if we sweated enough, if we ate too much, if our self-doubt and anxiety is a sign of not enough prayer/grace/dependence/surrender, etc!

I get that people want examples and they want empathy. But empathy is also addicting. You don’t need 100 strangers empathizing with your self-doubt or #adulting struggles. You need to turn your brain on, learn how to learn (which is more than reading obsessively, btw), get curious, and expect yourself to do more with your life than live on survival-mode repeat. Which is what the majority of people are doing. Yes, even if you consider yourself “woke.”

You don’t need another person telling you how to meal plan or giving you 10 more jumping jack variations (#stopit). All the choices are eroding your confidence + hijacking your brain’s ability to think critically.

I see people blindly following “experts” (don’t get me started), demanding to know the brand of their leggings, exact meal ingredients, and how they got their hair to do that….as if morphing their exterior into this other person will restore confidence and purpose to their lives. They are caught on loop – try one thing, works a little, see people doing something else, get anxious over “doing it wrong”, try new thing, repeat.

 

My years steeped in the science community have integrated into my way of thinking well enough that I can’t willingly participate. I just can’t hand you a quick “superfood” recipe, sprinkle some happy dust, and send you on your way. But “it’s more complex than that!” and “it may take years!” and “the things you believe are probably wrong!” and “you’re going to have to get really uncomfortable!” don’t market very well on their own. They intrigue a small percentage of people who are sincerely pursuing high performance and accomplishment in their domain. So to continue in the direction I was going would require that I either choose to alter my values (and my priority scheme) or dissolve the goal.

 

So what am I doing now?

Surprise! I dissolved the goal.

My current path began with a question I’ve asked multiple times (in slight variations) at this point. “What if I took coaching off the table.”*

[*The past few years of business iteration (and motherhood) have afforded me ample opportunities to practice abandoning ideas or flipping the way I see something. As I grow in my ability to analyze and predict how a situation will play out I also see a growing openness to paradigm-shifting information. A much-welcomed skill.]

Taking coaching off the table allowed me to then consider what best aligns with my family and with my desired growth trajectory. I don’t want to participate in the deep rut of the current system. It’s not good for my own life (I feel the tug toward “quick fix” just as strongly as anyone) and it’s physically painful to see women miss the point over and over again. Seriously – anxiety, depression, headaches, muscle tension, etc have all decreased substantially as I’ve released my grip on trying to force my methods into the current wellness climate.

Instead I’m returning to what I’ve always wanted to do but had stopped letting myself consider it (while in the SAHM-entrepreneur box). I’m in process for starting work on my PhD in Fall 2018.

 

Now we have reached present day.

I’m in the process of preparing my application for PhD programs in molecular biology** – studying for the GRE, refreshing my mind on the basics as well as exploring where research is at right now in my desired domain, making my list of schools to apply to, etc. And I’ll tell you, it’s not easy to step back in to this field after so many years away but, despite an increased amount of discomfort + uncertainty, staying focused on the goal has felt effortless in comparison to what I experienced trying to wedge my way into the wellness industry. It’s been 6 months of consistent growth + attention to what matters most to me.

[**If you know my motherhood story then you probably know that I had already finished applying to PhD programs when I found out I was pregnant. I received an invitation to interview at the U of M a mere two days after I took a positive pregnancy test.]

When I tell people about grad school their typical next question is what will I do with the kids…will we put them in school? And the answer is that we still intend to homeschool. Knowing that I am going to be dramatically increasing my load, I’m using these next 15 months or so to systematize our home life. Coming to grips with the brevity of my remaining time as a full-time SAHM has given me a new perspective on our current arrangement. I’m diving in deep to fully enjoy this waning season with my kids and working hard to prepare all of us for what is coming.

 

So then what is happening with alisanelson.co?

I mentioned above that trying to influence the current system from where I’m at right now doesn’t work. I also mentioned that I’m not immune to the siren call of quick fixes and ample empathy. So as I tune my ears to the sweeter song I intend to keep writing. About what? I will maintain this site on a more personal level. Documenting what we’re doing to prepare for the next season and providing insightful information to you as you seek to improve your own environment. My hope is that I can provide an example (not a step-by-step blueprint) to living intentionally in the direction of real accomplishment.

Namely, I expect there will be articles related to my various personal aims in the following sub-identities:

  • wife + mom seeking to provide a good environment for my family as we learn, grow, work, and rest together.
  • athlete seeking ways to push my body + mind for the goal of being as fit as I can within my current constraints (I subscribe to the Crossfit approach to defining “fitness”).
  • aspiring homesteader cooking 90-95% of our meals at home (active on Pinterest but also making my own recipes as I experiment), developing my gardening skills, and always looking for ways to increase the quality of what we produce + consume.
  • woman who has struggled with mental health issues since the 6th grade – I’m seeking to better understand my body + mind across scientific domains so I can cultivate habits that bring mental clarity, energy, self-awareness, emotional balance, etc.

 

These articles will be written for the purpose of consolidating my own understanding and passing along a more synthesized look at various topics. There will also be the more nitty-gritty posts about systematizing our home life – self care, nutrition, movement, homeschooling routines, etc. As per the above rant you can expect that my writing invites you to think critically about your own life and environment. I write so you can walk away actually being equipped to think about your problem effectively + take action…not so you can blindly copy what I did and not know what to do the next time you get stuck.

My previous few blog posts provide a taste of what I expect to produce. If you’d like to keep in touch, I encourage you to sign up for my newsletter. I’ll be resurrecting it in the next few weeks (after my GRE test date) to provide reading lists and a more personal approach to helping you grow (I can’t help it…). That is also where I’ll be best available to answer questions or chat about your own aims.
If you don’t yet follow me on Instagram, I play around a lot with Stories to document our day to day life and sometimes talk about things that are on my mind.

Categories
movement Nutrition and Meal Prep Raising Capable Kids Self Care

20 Ideas for Winter Self Care (fight the blues + prepare for spring)

Winter in Minnesota can be brutal. We are currently enjoying a short break from the bitter cold but it almost makes it harder – because we know very well that winter can last until June so it’s going to get cold again soon.

That being said, winter is also an opportunity. And I kind of love that it’s in the midst of winter when the New Year comes with all the looking at our progress and the freshness of resolutions. Winter is the perfect time to let go of all the stuff that was draining us dry. Summer and fall often bring lots of commitments and late nights but winter draws us inside where we slow down, cultivate our meaningful relationships, and get more sleep.

Ahhh, I love the rhythm of the seasons.

20 practical ideas for self care during the winter months - action steps for your mental health, relationships, fitness, nutrition, personal development, and home life. Read more: http://alisanelson.co

 

We need to tailor our self-care to honor the pulling in of winter. I’ve said it many times but it’s always worth reviewing – self-care is about taking the actions that will help you do good work. No matter what occupies the bulk of your time – be it raising children, teaching students, health care, business-building, public service, etc – you need your “down time” to be about replenishing your energy stores and pointing you to your values + intentions. The categories I consider when I brainstorm ways to practice self-care include: general health (including mental health), nutrition, movement, self-development, relationships, and cultivating a life-giving environment.

 

20 Ideas for winter self-care

General Health (including mental health)

  • Start a bedtime ritual – Arianna Huffington talks bedtime practices in this Business Insider article and her most recent book, The Sleep Revolution.
  • Start a simple morning ritual – include light movement (yoga, stretching, bodyweight circuit), meditation (use Headspace to get started!) and drinking water.
  • Keep a houseplant (or 10) – select from this list for plants that can help purify your air.
  • Find a conservatory or zoo with indoor exhibits – the rainforest room and Koi pond at Como Zoo and Conservatory are frequent haunts for us as we start itching for spring! Seriously, it’s my therapy.
  • Say “no” to more commitments – practice filtering social engagements and opportunities through your values and goals before committing. Is it a relationship you are purposefully cultivating? Is it a cause that’s important to you? Is FOMO or guilt behind your “yes”? I recommend The Best Yes by Lisa TerKeurst to read more about this idea. Ultimately if you pack all of your down time with obligations (that don’t reenergize you) you are choosing the road to burn out.

Nutrition

  • Shake up your breakfast with nutrient dense + delicious foods – I’ve pinned some make-ahead breakfast ideas that will give you a great energy boost as you step into your morning.
  • Increase your greens intake – Like this Kale-Pineapple green smoothie from Lindsey at Nourish Move Love.
  • Take a break from the sweets so you can better tune in to what your body is really craving. Whether you go so far as to do a Whole30 or 21 day sugar detox or not, creating new habits in place of the 2pm sugar-fix can help you with mental clarity, consistent energy levels, and boost your immune system.

Movement

  • Try a new workout style or class – keep your interest high by changing things up when the weather outside can make you want to skip everything.
  • Start a Saturday morning movement ritual with a friend! Hold each other accountable to fitness goals with a joint workout then spend a slow morning over coffee + breakfast! Fellow fitness-lover + coach Britany of Define Fettle has an awesome tradition of “burpees then brunch” (she even made a tank about it!). That’s a tradition worth stealing!

Self-development

  • Say “yes” to more quiet reading – try a new genre or re-read a favorite fiction series instead of watching Netflix.
  • Learn a new skill just because you can – guitar, knitting, painting, your personal style, how to cook Indian food, mastering a new coffee brewing method, etc.
  • Pick an everyday task and turn it into a ritual – washing dishes becomes 10-20 minutes of listing everything you are grateful for, work commute becomes mindful preparation for your day, evening Netflix with roommates or significant other becomes an intentional point of connection before hitting “play.”

Relationships

  • Initiate a weekly or monthly gathering with friends – trade off hosting – with emphasis on hospitality and deep connection – Shauna Niequist wrote a great book to both inspire + equip you in this area.
  • Start saving money for a summer vacation with friends – give yourself something to look forward to that doubles as incentive to be more thoughtful about your spending.

Life-giving environment

  • Declutter your spaces – let your mantels, corners, and countertops breathe (it doesn’t have to be forever)!
  • Try your chemistry skills: make your own household cleaners, makeup remover, body scrub, etc.
  • Buy fresh cut flowers – one of the beautiful things about our modern culture is a bouquet from California sitting on your kitchen table when it’s snowing outside.
  • Diffuse essential oils into your home – the olfactory nerves make your sense of smell the only sensory input that goes straight to the brain, making it the fastest physical sense to calm or energize!
  • Plan a garden for spring – we’re all thinking about the changing weather anyway so make use of it! Try planting some greens from seed or growing herbs in your kitchen window!
  • Get a head start on spring cleaning – tackle a room per week (or biweekly!) with deep cleaning. No doubt it will give you fresh eyes for your spaces! It may be “work” but it’s also very therapeutic to get rid of dust bunnies. Trust me.

 

As you can see, I consider a wide-range of activities to be self-care. I mean fresh cut flowers and spring cleaning in the same list?? But after 5 years of shouldering a start up business, becoming a mom, dealing with depression, anxiety, and general low energy – I’ve found that self-care is not the obvious things you think of when you’re on the cusp of burn out. Yes, a massage or weekend away can be helpful but it’s the stuff you do every day to align your life with what really matters that keeps you moving forward despite the responsibilities, stress, and fear. These are what fight against the winter blues, loneliness, and cravings most effectively.

The main roles we play in our lives require us to show up. Solving problems, nurturing people, making wise decisions – they can’t be done well when your time spent alone / away from work is a hodge podge of poor habits and trying to escape stress. Any one of the ideas up there can act as a catalyst for becoming a stronger, more capable woman.

 

I would love to hear about where you begin. Comment below with one thing (on or off the list) you are going to incorporate into your life in 2017 for better self-care.

 

Categories
Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids Self Care

How to transition from work to home

Life doesn’t stop just because you chose to pursue wellness. In fact, trying to maintain momentum during the busier times of life can often feel like the hardest part, right? Your wellness journey does not exist in a vacuum where you have ample energy, time, and resources to devote to your goal. Instead, you have to apply strategies to ensure that even on the longest days you aren’t defaulting back to where you began.

One such strategy is to focus your efforts on the places that will do the most work. You could heave a giant boulder by pushing on it with all your might or you could use a pole and apply leverage. Which would you rather do after a long day?

 

Are you tired of setting goals only to abandon them after a long day or a long week? It doesn't have to happen like that. Read on for strategies to help you transition from work to home PLUS a free guide containing 8 steps to RECLAIMING your evening after a long day. Read more: http://alisanelson.co

 

My guess is you’d prefer to use leverage. And today we’re going to talk about a huge way you can leverage your efforts for more effective action even in the midst of a full season. Because here’s the thing: If you wait until life “slows down” then you will likely never actually give your wellness the attention it needs…and you will end up on the burnout cycle over and over again.

Transitions provide space for escaping survival mode

As a mom I have learned the importance of transitions – of helping my kids move from good morning snuggles to breakfast to getting ready to leave the house, etc. When I apply my energy to helping them transition I am helping them move on to the next portion of our day with purpose rather than an aimless wandering.

I have to do the same for myself too. Without attention to the transition between putting the kids to bed and the rest of my evening, I end up scrolling on my phone instead of reading the book I was planning on.

Routine comes in handy during transitions.

As a routine becomes a habit it becomes automatic. My brain comes to expect it so I can skip over the “what should I do now?” and go right into my routine. All the actions that form my routine are grouped together – so instead of needing the willpower to do each individual thing, I complete a series of tasks.

For instance, a routine you might already have is to check social media when you wake up. You don’t have to tell yourself to go from Instagram to Facebook to Twitter to Email. You follow the steps automatically.

What if we used that to help you set a higher standard for your wellness on a day-to-day basis?

The evening transition from work to home is a very important transition. If you work all day it is likely the only time you have to do things outside of your job. But how often does a long day lead to eating whatever is easy in the fridge, skipping the workout you intended, and sitting on the couch the rest of the evening?

I know. Happens to me too.

In fact it’s one of the phrases I hear tossed around the most whether online or in person. It’s hard to do more than stare at the wall or binge watch Netflix.

Honestly? It’s so common we turn it into a verb and make jokes about it.

Heck, it’s so common Hulu uses it in its advertising! And we just smile + nod, “yes I do need Hulu Plus so I can binge watch tv instead of doing something valuable with my time.”

To be clear, “valuable” is not working overtime on your couch. I actually mean carving out real time to do the things you say you want to do – like learning a new song on the guitar or coloring in one of those books you bought 6 months ago or finally having that girls night. Those activities are highly valuable for rejuvenating your mind and spirit. They serve to help you become the person you wish you were.

8-steps-content-upgrade-1

 

So how, then, do you transition from work to evening?

An effective transition routine is going to involve attention to three parts: your body, your mind, and your connections.

Let’s dig deeper:

How to help your body transition

Give your brain time to catch up – by zoning out.

All throughout the day you were taking in new information and your brain was trying to process it. This includes how events or people made you feel and your personal thoughts on a new project or team member. At the end of the work day, your brain needs to catch up. The tendency however, is to fill space with a screen of some kind. This ramps up the stimulation – overloading the brain. You need to stare out the window or walk in circles around your yard – just don’t try to direct your thoughts anywhere. No meditating or focus. Just let your mind go. (this takes practice).

Respond to physical needs: hydration, nutrient-dense foods, and restorative movement.

Drinking water and eating a good meal – whether it’s a snack right when you get home or if you go right into dinner preparations – will revive your body. The lull you feel after work might seem like it requires a boost of caffeine or sugar but between letting your brain catch up and nourishing your body, you will experience a revival. Note: if you don’t, you actually might need a power nap.

Restorative movement includes things like yoga, stretching, or a walk around the neighborhood. After a day of sitting it’s important to bring alignment back to your body and increase blood flow.

Finally, you might opt for a harder form of exercise

Rigorous movement can serve an important purpose in expelling pent up emotion and stress. Rather than wasting energy mulling over workplace drama or social media posts do some sprints, a quick kettlebell routine, or hit a punching bag. Trust my experience – it feels amazing. And you’ll walk into your evening feelings more powerful and alert.

How to help your mind transition

A mental download can help you clear the slate from the day’s problems or worries.

Perhaps after zoning out you realize you have a conflict you need to think through, verbal or written processing can help you determine a course of action and move on.

Schedule (or eliminate) tasks that didn’t get accomplished today.

Don’t let unfinished work hang over your head. It can lead to numbing behaviors or agitation toward others if it is allowed to go unchecked. Let this time also serve to redirect your focus. Is the task relevant to your priorities? Can it be saved for later? Can it be passed off? Why do you keep avoiding it? Can it be broken down into more actionable steps? Sorting through your list can save you time and energy later.

Finally, write down your plan for tomorrow

Include any preset appointments, the big tasks you need to get done, and any self-care you plan to do (exercise, time with friends, etc). This is a must-do item. Having a plan for tomorrow is a major way you can keep the stress of today from carrying over into the morning.

How to build connections

Re-establishing a connection with your own purpose and your important relationships is essential to recovering from stress. You are free to make decisions and spend your time in a way that aligns with who you really are and who you want to be when you are connected.

  1. Do a short check-in with yourself
  2. Celebrate the ways you stayed on track or moved forward in your goals
  3. Spend time doing creative expression – color, cook, read a favorite book, write for fun
  4. Remind yourself that you aren’t alone by reaching out to a friend.This is more than fishing for encouraging words or compliments, it’s an opportunity to get a new perspective. It’s valuable to pick your head up and see what’s going on outside of your own life – beyond what someone chose to publish on Facebook for the day.
  5. Encourage someone else.Whether you write a note, send a text, or make a phone call, choose to be what you want others to be for you. Refuse to isolate yourself from the burdens of others and instead remind them that YOU are there for THEM. Because we’re all in this together.

Making this YOURS involves experimentation.

No need to try to do everything at once (or ever), as you get to know your own needs you will start to see what is most valuable in helping you transition from a long day at work to an intentional evening. The most important piece is that you refuse to accept a dud evening as normal. Might still happen occasionally (I recommend going to bed early then) but you can still raise your baseline. This isn’t a step away from grace for yourself after a long day, it actually shows greater self-love when you refuse to let the stress of today carry over into tomorrow.

What to do next:

Click the image below to get this blog post in step-by-step format. You’ll also be signed up for the Lab Notes Community where we do things a little differently. I’m not going to fill your inbox with fluff – we’re going to work together to move you toward your goals and shift you into action. Click below and get your first taste of survival mode freedom.

8-steps-content-upgrade-1

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

How to connect with strangers for better cooperation

Human connection can best be described as the love, belonging, and empathy that exists between two people or a group of people. It’s interesting actually because we categorize these to the spiritual realm – in the Church we call it “community” – but it is also observable by scientists. Special parts of our brains light up and synchronize with the people we are “in community” with. We connect and resonate.

 

That connection paves a way for cooperation AND it meets a deep human need for social living. When we have genuine connection, the brain is free to focus on solving problems and growing new skills. But without it, we suffer the consequences of survival state.

 

We often hear how connection takes time. Building trust in a relationship where both parties feel seen + loved is hard to come by in short bursts.

 

For those who spend the majority of their time serving people they will only meet occasionally – but require cooperation — the question becomes, how do you experience that connection described above with a stranger? Today I hope to give you an effective way forward.
Human connection is an essential element to achieving a collective goal AND overall wellness. Your brain craves it. But what if you spend most of your time with strangers? Read on for strategies. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

But first, why do we really care about human connection?

 

The biggest reason is because we are wired for it. Social connection is a basic need – demonstrated by a newborn baby. Even with an immature brain the social centers are active helping them form attachment to their parents and training them to cry when that attachment feels absent. And we know it carries on into adulthood – just ask any mother about her compulsion to pick up her crying babe.

 

The mammalian brain has adapted in order to increase its probability of survival. And in the words of social psychologist Dr. Matthew Lieberman, the brain bet on our being social. We even have a warning system that goes off when we experience social isolation or rejection. The neurotransmitter serotonin is used by the brain to motivate us to take action when it senses a loss in social status or connection. The hormone oxytocin pushes us to seek social support during times of stress.

 

What does connection do for us?

 

Let me tell you a secret about me. Ok, it’s probably not really a secret because if we met you’d see it right away. I’m a nervous-laugher. And it can get really bad. From people talking to me about my kids in the grocery checkout to meeting a new person at church, I have a hard time keeping myself from just filling the void with my nervous laugh. I blame it on my Relator strength. It gives me a strong desire to empathize…but doesn’t necessarily mean I’m very good at it.

 

I think I laugh for a couple of reasons. The first is that giggling releases endorphins – I can only assume my brain picked up the habit at some point and the release feels good, so it stuck around. The second reason is that laughter is a way to build connections with people. When someone is saying silly things to my kids (that they don’t understand), my laughter shows them that I don’t consider them a threat. I may not know what to say but I recognize they mean no harm and they can walk away enjoying my kids’ smiles instead of my scowling or confused face.

 

This is the same reason I laugh at my daughter’s jokes. She’s gotten pretty good at telling them but also, I want to respond in a way that shows her there is space for her to be silly. She belongs here. She is loved and seen.

 

When she feels that deep sense of belonging she can focus better. She is more cooperative. She is kinder to her brother. She asks for help to solve problems as if we’re a team.

 

In people-focused work, you need all these things too. You need engaged and connected people. Whether they are kids or adults. But how do you do that if you only see them for a few minutes? Or only once every week / month / year?

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

First — Recognize that most people are stressed out

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

 

Most people are stressed about something. Whether it is directly related to you or not, you can expect they have other things on their minds + hearts. Stress acts to bring our attention inward – as we become hyperfocused on our own pain. This disconnects us from our environment and the people around us.

 

What’s more, feeling alone in an unfamiliar place brings uncertainty. Making them feel vulnerable. What’s our reaction to vulnerability (in most cases)? Pull in even more. Control, deflect, numb.

 

When you approach a person who feels distant, unkind, or selfish the best starting point for making connection is to let all that go. If you respond accordingly, you will further alienate the person, and you’ll walk away feeling pretty crappy as well. But internally recognizing that this person has a story that you don’t yet know opens you up to be curious and kind.

 

This also tells your own stress system (the one getting fidgety over this person who seems to be rejecting you) that you don’t need to feel threatened. That you have what it takes to overcome this obstacle. In turn your brain will focus its energy on solving the problem rather than on your own controlling, deflecting, and numbing habits.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Second —  Make genuine small talk

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

Cue eye roll. I know “small talk” is commonly put down. Especially by those of us who want a reputation of being all deep and stuff. I’m talking about me, ya’ll. Working on it. But small talk is a powerful tool in the pursuit of human connection.

 

Questions like “how was your weekend” and “how’s your family” can be ok entry points. But when you ask a person a question about their day or their lives it needs to be accompanied by nonverbal signals that you actually intend to listen.

 

We all know what it’s like – the friend who says “how are you?!” as they blow right past you with no intention to hear your answer. Versus the friend who asks the very same question but we sense intuitively that they are present + focused on your reply.

 

You can be that person. Even to strangers.

 

When I worked at Starbucks I was surrounded by seasoned baristas. And it was instantly clear who the store favorites were. They were the men and women who made an effort to look at customers, remember names, and ask follow up questions about yesterday’s interview. Customers lingered at the bar, celebrated our birthdays with us, asked for pictures of our kids, told us stories about theirs, and we bought their girl scout cookies. One even gave my husband’s new business a shout out when he launched a kickstarter campaign.

 

All because when we asked “what’s going on today?” — and they answered — we listened and asked more questions. 

 

My favorites were the quiet ones. I tried hard to not be intrusive but wanted them especially to know that even they are seen. They don’t need to be loud or share their life story, but I see them, they belong here too, and we are so grateful for their presence.

 

You know what also happened at that store? We’d serve well over 100 customers in a couple of hours. So I’m not talking about a handful of regulars that would sit around and chat politics. I’m talking dozens that we would interact with for maybe two minutes from the time they ordered a drink to when they left.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Third — Help them into the present moment

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

We mostly operate on habits. It is energy-saving for the brain. Then, in new situations, we depend on previously established models for how to interact and behave. Mental models composite themselves whether we are aware of it or not.

 

The formation of mental models is incredibly important. They help us survive and decrease the burden of our environment as information is compressed into one big image rather than many discrete parts. The downside is we stop engaging in the way we think about our environment – and therefore how we feel about it. We stop considering how our mental model might need some updating.

 

When a stressed out person approaches you, it is very likely that they are interacting based on habit. This means that while they talk to you, answer your questions, and complete the necessary tasks they are not really interacting with YOU. They are interacting with the “you” of their mental model. That could be based on a person they met years ago or an experience they can’t even remember triggered by the way you greeted them. The brain is crazy, right?

 

So you have the opportunity now with this information to alter your approach. Invite them out of autopilot. The small talk you use, the environment of your office, the way you make eye contact – these can help to coax a person into the present moment.

 

Of course you can’t force a person to be present. But you can set the tone by being present yourself. Talking to yourself about what you see, getting curious about another person’s world, simulating in your mind what their life might be like. These are all actions that the brain is actually really good at but like any muscle it must be used to become prominent.

 

When you are present you become naturally more empathic because your brain is tuning in to the immediate environment rather than functioning off of old scripts and habits. With empathy we get connection.

 

And with connection we get cooperation and a better sense of wellbeing for all.

 

You can make this a new habit for yourself. Cuing yourself every time you hear the door open or when go refill your water bottle (or coffee cup) consider one of these prompts:

  • take note of how you are feeling
  • remind yourself why you are doing this work.
  • Look for something right this second that you genuinely appreciate.
  • Connect your current work day with your future goals as a necessary piece in your personal story.
  • Think of your biggest supporters.

 

Each of these can act to pull you back into the present moment and ground you in the midst of stress. These are also associated with our basic need for social standing and support. In turn they can stimulate the release of neurotransmitters that will help you respond better to stress and give you a rush of good feelings (making presence of mind feel good).

 

Action steps:

Self-awareness:

  • Consider your own experiences – where have you felt welcomed, seen, understood? How has that affected your behavior and emotional outlook?
  • What is your current behavior like at work? How do you greet people? What is the usual result?
  • Have you seen an instance where the way you approached a person seemed to bring them out of their shell? What did you do?
  • How do you currently think about the people you interact with at work or around town? Start noticing the thoughts you have first and how those thoughts impact your openness to them.

    Related post: 5 benefits of self-awareness

 

Small talk:

  • Challenge yourself in the small talk department – start to ask follow up questions and make eye contact.
  • Put more thought into your comments + questions — weather and the weekend tend to be favorites but is there something else you can ask that will get more than an “oh yea I like the fall colors too”?

    Related post: 3 things you should know when you work with people

 

Staying present:

Wrapping up —

It doesn’t take much to help a person move beyond uncertainty + isolation —–> connection + cooperation.

It’s important to keep your efforts focused on what you can control – and that’s your own state of mind. Remembering that people are naturally preoccupied by other stuff, being intentional with your small talk, and keeping your brain awake so you can respond appropriately to the moment will help you gain trust even in only a few minutes time.

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Raising Capable Kids

How to really establish your expertise

You’ve likely heard it over and over again — narrow down into a niche and position yourself as an expert.

Today I’m here to tell you, from the brain science perspective, what it really takes to be an expert in your niche. It’s more than blogging about a range of topics relevant to your niche and it’s more than being quoted in the media. It’s way cooler than that, actually.

 

As a business owner it’s your job to solve problems. There is a method to problem solving that will put you on the track to becoming a real expert in your niche. Here are the characteristics of an expert-like learner versus a non expert-like learner. Read on to see why the way you respond to being wrong and the effort you take to understand the problem are two big indicators in whether you will actually become an expert or if you just claim to be one. Read more at http://alisanelson.coPin that image, girl boss! Or click here to pin directly from Pinterest.

In any domain we can all see that there are those who have knowledge + experience, then there are those who have knowledge, experience, and also this indescribable ability to do everything better. Doctors, entrepreneurs, musicians, athletes. The first will still go on to be a good doctor but the second will go on to extend what it means to be a doctor. Why?

Well I’m all about focusing on the 20% (most significant / important information) and here’s what it is:

What scientists have found is that it comes down to how they learn. How they go about acquiring new skills like responding to a crisis in the operating room or diagnosing a patient.

Whaaa? Yes. The way they approach a problem is different than their peers.

CLICK HERE NOW TO GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND START LEARNING LIKE A REAL EXPERT.

 

Getting a better picture of the expert at work

You see, every single one of us forms an idea about how the world works. As we gain new knowledge or experience, we fit it into our mental model of the world (or that specific domain). But the method of how that new piece fits is different between the expert and the non-expert. And to help us get a good understanding I’m going to use an analogy of putting a puzzle together. First, let’s talk about how we put puzzles together:

When you start a new puzzle, do you just start trying to put pieces together or do you first study the box? Do you categorize the pieces? Often you see someone begin with the border, then move on to the bigger sections (the main image or the very colorful ones), then they fill in the details or the more mono-colored pieces (like the sky or the snow).

Why is that an effective method? The edge pieces are of course easy to spot and the big, colorful parts of the picture are easier but I observe that there are deeper principles afoot:

  1. Establishing the border constrains the puzzle. It gives you a concrete edge in which all the remaining pieces must fit. The border acts as your first frame of reference.

  2. Moving next to the big, colorful spots you are able to get a clear orientation to the puzzle. This helps you to be able to start predicting where pieces go as you begin to envision how this first image affects the other elements of the big picture (like distance, perspective, orientation, etc). (Psychologically speaking, these first two steps also tend to build morale. Small wins and rapid succession of success boosts you enough to be more patient with the more difficult pieces).

  3. Finally, putting the rest of the sky together is made easier (most of the time) because it is more like filling in space. You’ve acclimated yourself to the tone of the puzzle so slight variations in color are easier to see and the unique shapes of the pieces are easier to identify. Since this is often the part of the puzzle where the box fails to be helpful, having the established reference points and familiarity with the puzzle helps you continue to be successful.

 

If you’ve read my previous posts on problem solving and learning, you might be starting to make the connections between a puzzle and learning:

  • Understand what the problem is and establish the desired outcome
  • Identify key concepts and language within the domain
  • Use these first two steps to fill in the details, doing small dips into research on these more detailed elements.

These first two steps anchor you so that when the more detailed pieces become important, they don’t cause you to get lost, stuck, or confused.

The better you understand the problem, the less likely you will be lost, stuck, or confused.

Click To Tweet

So you want to be an expert in your niche?

This is how a woman becomes a real expert. The puzzle might be a picture of entrepreneurship, or it might be her specific domain as a graphic designer or biz coach, or it may be a specific project like building her first training program. No matter the scale, the expert-like learner will constrain the problem, gain orientation to the language + the various elements involved, and use those anchors to fill in the details. Also:

  • They will refer to the prior art (the box) — and not someone else’s unfinished puzzle.
  • They will not assume they understand the puzzle just because they got the border together.
  • They will not start with the sky.
  • They will not try to place single, random, stand-alone pieces on the table as if they know exactly where they belong.
  • They will not assume that the next puzzle can just be thrown together because they figured this one out (they use the same method every single time, even with the same puzzle).
  • They remove pieces to be reconsidered when a new piece starts to make it look out of place.

Related:
Why you keep obsessing over social media
How to turn self-doubt into an asset

So…is this how you solve a problem?

Let’s take one last look at that idea of a mental model I mentioned at the beginning of this adventure. You have a model in your mind of what it looks like to be a graphic designer or a biz coach or how to create your next product. And because you are still young – even if you’ve been building your biz for a handful of years already – your mental model is incomplete. Do you see it that way? Are you continuing to carefully reference the box and consider the border or are you assuming your puzzle is done? Are you open to having a piece in the wrong position and willing to remove it so it can be placed correctly?

You care about your clients. You’re here, at this point in your life + career, because you want to make a difference in people’s lives and you want to grow into the type of person that people can depend on and even look to for guidance and encouragement.

Related:
4 ways to improve your focus throughout the day
Get consistent: 4 mindsets hurting your business

Take action:

Look at the domain where you repeatedly feel lost, stuck, or confused. Have you done the border work or are you neck-deep in anchor-less details? Take a step toward building that border:

  1. Write down the bigger problem – you have an outcome in mind for your biz or for your clients, now what obstacles are standing in the way?

    Example: Are you dreaming of building a course about a certain topic but wondering how to ensure people buy it before you waste your time? One of your bigger problems here is: How do I effectively influence people? What builds trust between producers and consumers? What are people looking for when they buy something?

     

  2. Write down all the words you can think of that relate to that problem and outcome.

    Influence, building trust, marketing, consumer behavior, positioning, etc.

     

  3. Look beyond other bloggers.

    Influencing other people or any other business topic is going to have principles that transcend our fast-paced online business world. Bloggers will give you the detailed steps to follow but it’s rare for them to teach you the underlying principles. When you look at the bigger principles, the details will become much more obvious.

BONUS: GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND START LEARNING LIKE A REAL EXPERT.

 

So tell me in the comments — is this how you put a puzzle together? Does that analogy reveal anything new or interesting about how you go about learning?

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

How to stop obsessing over social media

Earlier this week we looked at WHY we tend to obsess over social media – clicking over to Facebook or scrolling through Instagram every time there’s a lull in our work. Today we’re looking at HOW TO STOP. It’s not quite enough to tell yourself that you will only check it twice per day…I’ve got 6 conditions that need to be satisfied in order for scheduled check-ins to be successful!

As I said in this blog post (go read it if you haven’t!), our reaction to social media notifications is similar to a drug addicts response to building drug tolerance. So how do people effectively overcome a drug addiction?

 

We covered WHY you obsessively check your social media...but how do you create a healthy balance between growing your business and not getting obsessed? Many recommend limiting yourself to just a couple check ins per day but that only works if you're satisfying these 6 conditions. Are you setting yourself up for success or are you wasting time obsessing over your social media profiles? Read on to save time. http://alisanelson.co

Pin that image so your fellow girlbosses stop wasting their time too!

If you took the first step and started building awareness around your social media distraction then you’ve moved it from unconscious thought to conscious — that’s huge.

Get the workbook >> your personal action plan for overcoming obsession so social media can be an important tool instead of a waste of your precious time.

So how do we solve the problem?

The next step in problem solving (after understanding the problem) is to look at other similar kinds of problems and investigate the use of its solution. In the case of checking social media every time you start to feel a little stuck or bored, addiction is a good comparison.

In my searching, genuine relationships appear to be the best form of recovery from addiction.

Relationships provide

  1. a way for the addict to gain better self-awareness,
  2. the support + connection a person is usually seeking under the surface, and
  3. purpose to following through.

All three of these characteristics are also key to handling any kind of stress well. So it seems plausible to use these solutions for our issue with digital notifications and their effect on our creativity + productivity.

Related: How to turn self-doubt into an asset

Putting the plan into our context

You’ve likely heard others talk about scheduling when they check social media. I think this has an area of validity so if we add a few things to it, it can serve you well in your business. Here’s when I think it works:

  1. You understand the the compulsion to scroll through pictures is due to chemicals in your brain, not because there is anything life-or-death happening.
  2. You are well-connected to other people whom you feel understand you and support your work.
  3. You have meaningful work that is making progress.
  4. As you establish the new habit, you are self-aware of what triggers your desire to jump on Instagram and actively talk to yourself about why you don’t need to do it.
  5. You choose a constructive + creativity-boosting alternative after recognizing you feel stuck or you’re doubting yourself.
  6. You practice having an abundance mindset: social media can wait./

By satisfying these conditions and forming a plan for when they are not satisfied, I think scheduling one or two specific times when you are checking on social media can be highly effective. You will need to test out what you need after you’ve finished. Meditation or a walk or less-demanding work may be necessary to help you transition back into focused + creative tasks like writing. And this can be applied to other areas as well like email and text messages.

So let’s walk through those conditions.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

You understand the the compulsion to scroll through pictures is due to chemicals in your brain, not because there is anything life-or-death happening.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Stress in your work can trigger your fight-or-flight stress response. If you’ve conditioned yourself to mentally check out whenever stress arises – even if just for a little while – you’ll need to build awareness around that behavior. Starting with recognizing that it’s a chemical surge in your brain that is directing your attention to social media. Your brain has been wired to see it as a solution. Whatever reason you tell yourself for why you need to check instagram for the twentieth time today is really just an excuse.

Unless of course you actually do have a reason – but then it’s not just a distraction, right?

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

You are well-connected to other people whom you feel understand you and support your work.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Social media can be a great connector. It can also be a cover for real-life-isolation. Whether you are introverted or extraverted, you need people. Our brains are even programmed to seek out security within a tribe. So if in real life you are feeling insecure in your relationships, the pull to social media – where your followers are praising your work and seeking your engagement – will be stronger.

On the flip side, if you are investing in real-life community — people whom you see face-to-face or talk with over Skype — social media is going to be an easier distraction to overcome.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

You have meaningful work that is making progress.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Purpose is a major influencer. As a business owner you probably had a big reason to put yourself through all the stress of working for yourself. You probably have a future vision in mind that keeps you going when you think about quitting. Are you letting that through in each project you take on? Are you creating a course simply because someone told you to or is it serving your bigger vision? If it’s in line with your bigger vision remind yourself of it! Keep it front and center as you work so you can channel the stress of the struggle toward creating your best work.
If you are struggling and your project isn’t making progress you will be more likely to move on to less important tasks, like instagram or twitter. It’s discouraging to feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Rather than force yourself to struggle (or disengage from the project), look again at the problem you are trying to solve and the outcome you want. Do you have all the information you need? Is there someone you could reach out to who has the skill you’re trying to hack?

Related: 4 steps to solving problems like a pro

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

As you establish the new habit, you are self-aware of what triggers your desire to jump on social media and actively talk TO yourself about why you don’t need to do it.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Stephen Covey talks about how easily we get distracted by urgent, unimportant tasks. He concludes that a sign of a highly effective person is that they focus on the important tasks (and know how to distinguish between types of tasks). What you really want right now is the expected outcome of your project or task – so figure out a way to get that rather than letting yourself get distracted by social media.

You’re not solving the right problem when you disengage from an important task to do an urgent / unimportant one. You’re just wasting your energy.

You’re just wasting your energy when you distract yourself from a difficult but important task. Use it to solve the real problem!

Click To Tweet

Related: 4 mindsets hurting your business

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

You choose a constructive + creativity-boosting alternative after recognizing you feel stuck or you’re doubting yourself.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Your creativity is stalling and you’re losing focus because you feel stuck, you’re doubting yourself, etc. That is the worst time to get on instagram and start scrolling through perfectly styled images! Your brain needs a break. So reduce the stimulation and step away. Get present and take a few deep breaths.

Better to go outside and spend 30 minutes people-watching then to scroll through images in rapid fire.

Related: 15 super-easy self care ideas for creative entrepreneurs

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

You practice having an abundance mindset: social media can wait.

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

It’s not going to be gone forever. People won’t revoke their likes just because you haven’t responded yet. It can wait.

Really. It can wait.

Not indefinitely – in fact you know exactly when you will get to it. Because it’s scheduled. (And hey! With all the new algorithms, you don’t have to worry about missing your favorites in your feed!)

When each of these conditions are met, you can and should be successful in scheduling 1 or 2 social media check-ins throughout the work day. These will likely be longer because you’ve got an outcome in mind so you aren’t just endlessly scrolling.
As far as the time of day you check, I recommend afternoon and evening based on what I know about trying to create after consuming rapid-pace media but being home with kids all day I’m still working on fine-tuning my own schedule.

So tell me in the comments, will you try scheduling your social media check-ins?

Ready to move past obsessive social media checking? CLICK HERE NOW to grab your free workbook loaded with bonus content + guided questions and start building better habits that boost creativity + productivity.
Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

3 things you should know when you work with people

We all want the people around us to leave satisfied. When you work with people, whether personally or professionally, there are a few basic characteristics of human nature that you need to keep in mind.

 

Around here, I’m subject to the needs of tiny people. Tiny people who don’t think the same way I do. Because they are tiny (read: they have an undeveloped brain, lack a lot of knowledge on how the world works, and have very little life experience).

 

You might be subject to the needs of your clients and maybe even your own tiny people. I empathize. Working with and amongst other people is one of the best parts of life – there is so much we can do together. It’s also really tough work. We get in our own way when we forget that we are all different, with different levels of understanding and different life experiences. And we forget that those differences are a good thing.

 

With your clients, you are more knowledgable + experienced in the skills and cluster of concepts surrounding your craft. Their lack of understanding is not wrong (it’s why they are paying you). As the professional, learning to read your clients and probe for their level of understanding + how they feel about the experience is essential. How else can you ensure they are having the best experience possible and will LOVE the outcome after working with you??

When you work with clients, you need to know a few things about how the average person works. Save yourself the headache and read these 3 facts about people. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

 

A few things to be aware of when you work with people:

  1. How we feel about something often matters the most
  2. We all have blind spots
  3. Most of us have control issues

 

Now let’s look a little closer at each of these.
[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

How we feel about something often matters the most

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

The part of our brain that controls emotion – the limbic system – often overrides our logic + reasoning. This is the “I do what I don’t want and what I want I don’t do” conundrum. We have to expect the people around us have this same issue. Your clients may react a certain way or have a gut feeling about your work that they can’t articulate better than “I don’t like it.” Their level of self-awareness will determine how they handle this experience. This is HUGE because it’s here that distance starts to creep between you and your client. What they need is for you to use your knowledge + experience to help them process that gut feeling into a more helpful form of feedback.

 

You may be able to proactively give your clients the information and language they need to provide helpful feedback. With Grace and Gold does a great job of this with their blog. Recently, I got a lot of value from this post on color theory where they gave me the language to describe how color schemes make me feel.

 

Whether it is before a client books or in the midst of working with them, give your clients the language they need to effectively work with you. The better their tools for communicating their needs, the better they will feel about the experience.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

We all have blind spots

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

As a mom, I get the opportunity to ease the stress of trying to understand everything at once. When my kids are crabby, tugging on me, or struggling to control their bodies, they don’t really know why. Their brains still have a lot of developing to do and so much of their world is new – all they know is they want what they want NOW.
I call these my children’s blind spots (actually, I just came up with that while writing and really liked it. So now I’m going with it).
As un-PC as this may sound, your clients are the same way. If we think about your skills on a scale of developmental stages, your clients are most likely novice level. They don’t know why they are hyperfocusing on the perfect shade of peach – they just know something is wrong and they want what they want NOW.

You can step in to your clients’ blind spots. Just as I have to have a mental list of my children’s needs, so must you. Take stock of your experience – where are the gaps most often popping up for your clients? My photographer friend, Kirsten of K Solberg Photography, sends out a prep email before a shoot with important tips and reminders. Prior to a styled shoot I did with her, she eased stress I didn’t know I had by providing details on what I should do to prepare. All I had to do was show up because she didn’t expect me to operate in my blind spots. (And I didn’t even throw a tantrum!) This is why I LOVE working with her and recommend her to anyone who asks.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Most of us have control issues

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

As humans we have a basic need for certainty. In survival terms, that’s security in the sufficiency of people and resources around us. In our modern world, it also includes fulfilled expectations. The best way to ensure certainty is to personally control the situation, right? Especially where we feel most vulnerable. Like our wedding day or our brand identity.

 

Anyone relying on another person is going to feel vulnerable – and most (just because I can’t confidently say all) will be tempted to try to control the situation. Think micromanaging. So those emails you get late at night with more questions, instructions, or another “I changed my mind!” (while frustrating) are most likely data: your client is struggling with an expectation that feels very, very important. And they are having trouble handing it over to you.

 

Following the previous tips, you can increase certainty by preparing your clients with accurate expectations + anticipating where they might have trouble. In addition, setting guidelines for your clients can reduce their uncertainty. For example, there is a commonly recurring tip to set business hours. This protects you from the stress of answering emails as soon as they come in (at 11pm) but also, when stated, give your clients certainty of when they can reach you and when to expect a reply. In our culture with so many things vying for our attention, it becomes common practice to over communicate because we expect we are being ignored or forgotten.

 

Lastly, while the extra work can be frustrating, remember that it’s a big part of your job to build trust with your clients. That’s a whole other blog post so I’ll leave it at a specific tip: schedule a call or in-person meeting with them. Actively demonstrate that you want to hear them and address their concerns. This doesn’t mean you are bending to every demand – it actually shows confidence to proactively engage a difficult client. By meeting with them, you get the opportunity to convey confidence in your abilities and also probe more for their expectations (so you can give them a more accurate outlook or adjust your plan).

 

—-

 

You get the pleasure of spending your time and effort on a better human experience for the people around you. That’s not an easy task but it is a worthy task. Keep these characteristics in mind and build systems that decrease uncertainty for your clients.

 

So let’s hear from you.

  • What’s your favorite way to improve client experience?
  • What blind spots are you covering?
  • Whose doing it well? (I’d love to get more examples of creative girlbosses rocking their client experiences!)