Category: Mindfulness and Cognitive Science

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science

Why change is a good thing

Do you ever find yourself teeter-tottering between wanting to change and wanting to be content with who you are? It’s a common dilemma – and one that requires a mindset shift in how you think about – and implement – change.

Without realizing it, we can make change impossible. Whether through fear of setting our expectations too high or holding too tightly to the expectations we’ve set. But change isn’t a magic trick. It won’t suddenly appear because you wish for it while living life the way you always have.

Today we’re going to dive in to three things that will help push you over the edge from kinda-sorta wanting life to be different >>> taking the action required to grow and thrive in your individual context.

 

Tired of failing in your efforts to change? Here are 3 important components that you need in order to see change happen in your life. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

 

 

What to do when you really want to change

There are a lot of barriers to change. Too many to even account for all of them. And on top of that, I keep seeing women around me add an additional obstacle where they fear the desire for change. As if it is a sign of ingratitude or the absence of grace.

Here’s the thing: we are always changing. Humans take over two decades to fully develop and neuroscientists are still uncovering the ways the brain can change and grow all throughout our lives. We also demonstrate through history that discontentment with the status quo is a beautiful part of our culture. It brought us through the dark ages and into this period of time when we can actually fathom the possibility of future generations living on Mars. Change – and the pursuit of change – open our eyes to awe and wonder at the world around us as we continue to uncover its mystery.

A desire for change is not a judgment of the present. At least it doesn’t have to be.

A mindful + connected approach to change allows us to stay attuned to our present circumstances and make decisions with greater intentionality. When you are aware of your present self, your relationships, your dreams for the future, you can approach change with clarity and courage.

 

Ok so how? Here are 3 essential components to change:

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

First, let’s consider moving beyond “grace not perfection”

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Nikki Elledge Brown often says, “It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be shared.” And she is right. It’s why I chose to share the my first video a couple of weeks ago. It’s why I chose to tell people I would be posting the video before it was even ready. But there is a key point embedded in this phrase that we are going to pull out — the sharing doesn’t mean you never go back and consider how to improve. There’s an area of validity for sharing the stuff that turned out poorly…but it’s not black and white.

Ultimately, I shared the video I made a couple of weeks ago but chose not to share the one I made for this post. I enjoy making video and really want to keep doing it. But I know improvements need to be made — like in my systems and my technology — to accommodate my real life. The product for this video did not meet my standard – and I didn’t have time to reshoot.

Which way on the spectrum am I leaning then? Toward grace or toward perfection? I wouldn’t even use that scale. I would say I’m being intentional.

I often get into conversations with women who have been knocked down and have chosen to just roll in the mud. Taking knocks is a fact of life – and we can even end up having fun with it – but choosing to spend all our time on the ground because we’re “embracing” the mud is…not going to get you to the change you want. And will probably make you want to sling mud at others who have managed (for the moment) to stay clean.

At some point you have to look at the mess on your clothes and decide to wash up so you can get back to work. This is much easier to do when we expect things to be imperfect and also expect ourselves to get back up and attack the problem.

If you simply label something as “giving grace” or “perfectionism” then you add a big emotional cloud to the situation. Now you don’t know how to take action because you’re afraid of being a perfectionist but you also have a deep longing for change. By scrapping the “grace not perfection” frame of thinking we enable ourselves instead to set a standard of performance that fits our current capability.

This standard is specific to the person – because it takes into consideration their real life and their personal aspirations. If you want to make drastic changes and you’re willing to do the work, it will look like perfectionism to some. When I was a personal trainer I considered doing bodybuilding competitions – but as I familiarized myself with what it would take to get to the level I wanted, I realized that I wasn’t willing to pay that price.

On the opposite side, if chose to pursue bodybuilding competitions, then I would have to let go of some things in order to balance it out. By decreasing the standard of performance in another area, I release myself from the emotional / mental burden of overcommitment and excessive expectation.

How can you put this into action?

  1. Assess your current state and the non-negotiables in your life (you can’t abandon your kids to achieve a goal, right?)

  2. Manifest your expectations – you can’t set a standard if the goal is invisible

  3. Assess the cost – like nitty gritty what will it take and is that within reason for you…what will you have to let go of?

These steps allow you intentionally set a goal for change. Passive goals that heap guilt without the clarity of action steps for success won’t get you anywhere – except maybe further away from where you want to be. The more clarity you have on what your life can handle now – what actions, what sacrifices, etc. – the better you will get at setting goals. You can set a unicorn goal for the year — but it needs to be accompanied by smaller, appropriate action steps and clear indicators of success. Which leads to the next big idea.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Second, don’t be afraid of assessment

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Assessment is often a dirty word. Especially when things like body image or performance are involved. But assessment does not mean judgment of you as a person. It’s actually not emotional at all. It’s a gathering of relevant data in order to see how you’re doing.

I’ve seen assessment free people (including myself) from self-judgment.

The way to know you’re moving toward your goal is to measure something. Take your end goal, work backwards, and you can identify the important checkpoints along the way.

It is best if these milestones are behavior-based. Which is why I think the best “goals” are actually the development of skills.

For example, maybe you want to eat healthier. You might think setting a goal for your weight or number of days eating at home is what you need but I would say what you actually need is the skill of identifying nutrient-dense foods and preparing them in a way you enjoy them. If you feel confident in yourself and enjoy the process, you’re going to change your habits. And it will happen in a more subtle way that makes it easier to sustain.

Smaller skills associated with cooking nutrient-dense food (this is a brain dump, not in any given order):

  • sourcing + buying fresh produce that fits your budget
  • rapid + precise chopping of vegetables
  • accurate timing in cooking of various meal components
  • effective seasoning
  • consistency in prep / cooking of meat
  • etc.

Do you see what this does? It takes the focus off of the stuff you can’t control and on to the skills themselves. Do you know what gaining skills like this can do? Help you enjoy the process of change. Personally, I recently hit a new level of pot roast. I improved the timing and the seasoning and seriously, it’s the meal I wish would never end.

It can feel tortuous to try and try to lose weight or reach a promotion. But when you avert your gaze to the stuff that will actually get you to the goal and give your attention to developing yourself, you gain a presence of mind that will yield so many more rewards than a smaller size (and if you apply good nutrition principles, you’ll probably get that too – assuming that is the healthy change).

 

How can you put this into action?

  1. Write down one of your current goals

  2. Rewrite it into a tangible + skill-based development

  3. Identify 3-5 checkpoints along the way that would indicate you are headed toward your goal

  4. Break those into smaller actions steps if needed + schedule them.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Third, regularly “look up” to where you’re headed

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

I’ve said it a lot throughout my blog already – you need to be aware of where you are actually headed. Not just in words but how will your life actually look and feel when you’ve reached your goal. It’s unbelievably easy to get sucked into someone else’s goal when you have a yearning for change but haven’t taken the time to define a tangible outcome.

One way you can cultivate this awareness of where you are going is through visualization. Youtube has a ton of guided visualizations that you can follow to gain a mental image of the person you want to become (just search “future self visualization”).

When you have a mental model of your future self, you can use it to make decisions

Take the example of my video. When I consider who I want to be – and what I want to be doing – in the next year or few years, I know that I need to move beyond curated sentences and into more live scenarios. So I’m choosing to start practicing now. How else will I become the woman I visualize but through doing the work here in the present when the opportunity presents itself?

 

Cuing yourself throughout the day to look at your bigger picture will help you stay focused on a day-by-day basis

The daily fires that we must put out do a really good job of keeping us distracted and stagnate. If you truly want to move forward in your life you must make the effort to pick up your head and make sure you’re still headed in the right direction. This includes making time for assessment – regularly checking in on your data in order to ensure you’re seeing the progress you want.

Build this cue into your morning and evening routines. Where you consider the destination you are pursuing before you jump into the day and before you wrap it up at night.

This practice also helps to tie your present struggles with a future reward. Present me is happy I put in the work the past 5 years in my own wellness journey. And I could say the same about my marriage, my relationship to my kids, my clarity in my professional goals, etc. All still a work in progress but all started because at some point I chose to do the work instead of just dream about waking up one day to a different life.

When we’re experiencing stress due to a problem our biochemistry can work to help us dig deep for focus and courage when we tie that obstacle to a deep desire. You have it in you, you just need to practice calling it out.

 

How can you put this into action?

  1. Visualize the person you want to become – go to Youtube or I also like this interview with Danielle LaPorte

  2. Identify 1 or 2 defining characteristics and break those down into skills, behaviors, and action steps like we did above.

  3. Set a reminder on your phone to tune back in to that vision and your current steps.

A note here: Don’t be afraid to develop skills that don’t feel snazzy or monumental. Working on your inner life and training yourself to focus better or be more present in your relationships doesn’t feel like a big return in terms of $$$ but they mean so much for your wellbeing AND create a foundation from which you can continue to grow personally. Most likely you are tuning into the stuff that’s really going to help you stay satisfied + connected in your real life. That’s something worth fighting for.

You next steps:

Leave a comment below and tell me 1 insight you’ve had from this post.

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior

5 steps to staying consistent in your goals

Raise your hand if you wish you could wake up tomorrow and have already conquered those dreams you have. Maybe you’re hoping to make 2017 your year of health. Or maybe you’re in the process of pursuing a career in the field that lights you up.

Here at alisanelson.co I talk a lot about the value of self-awareness – but a mega-downside of being aware of where you are and where you want to go is the discomfort you experience when it takes a long time to reach the other side. That saying “ignorance is bliss” is not a joke. No matter where you are on your journey the gap always feels too big, right?

110716-blog-post-1

 

Walking the talk

Publishing video on my website has been on my mind for a long time and what better time than when I get to talk about being on the path toward growth. The mind finds ways around trying new things because that involves uncertainty.

Even as I’ve prepared to publish this post it’s been a test of how much do I really believe the stuff I say – am I actually willing to put something up that isn’t polished yet? Am I willing to come out from behind my writing and show that there’s a real person here trying to grow skills alongside everyone else?

So I’ve followed the five steps I’m sharing in today’s video.

 

 

Growth requires tension

If you want to step into 2017 with greater confidence in your capability to follow through and see success, then this video is for you. Remember how I said it’s important at the start of any journey to remember that you are an organism? A machine can go from scraps to completion in a matter of days. Hours, even.

But not you.

If you want to truly become something different than you are now – not a simple filter or outward image to portray but bone-marrow-deep real change, then you must master staying with something even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when it means showing someone your unpolished, just-starting-out self.

 

Today’s video is just under 8 minutes and even includes an unpolished “don’t hit mommy” moment. Because real human life, ya’ll. And to help you start putting it into your own context, I made an action book for you. And it’s even editable so you can get started right away if you’re about ready to jump ship on your dreams for change. No email required, just click the button and start writing.

CLICK HERE TO GRAB YOUR ACTION BOOK NOW

 

Here’s the big idea

Consistent movement toward a goal requires little steps along the way that prime your brain to focus in on the target. Rewards feel good and by racking up small wins you can teach your brain that growth actually feels good. Making it less of an obstacle and more of a lifestyle.

With each of the 5 steps I mention in the video you are putting your energy where it matters most – getting your brain on board with living life a new way. By answering your built-in need for human connection, predictability, and long-term benefit you set yourself up for success during that in-between time that feels so uncomfortable. Now you’re free to fully engage in the process of living your life and growing because you have taken the steps to normalize it.

It’s not about a big sudden change, it’s about making growth a normal part of life.

Click To Tweet

 

Now it’s your turn

In the comments below I want you to tell me which step is the most difficult for you right now. I’d love to help you start to bust through those blocks so you can keep on the path to growth. If you’d rather talk privately, send me an email (alisa@alisanelson.co). I’d love to talk over email or jump on a Skype call and talk face-to-face. Seriously. No sales pitch, just two humans strategizing on how you can take a step forward.

CLICK HERE TO GRAB YOUR ACTION BOOK NOW
Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

How to connect with strangers for better cooperation

Human connection can best be described as the love, belonging, and empathy that exists between two people or a group of people. It’s interesting actually because we categorize these to the spiritual realm – in the Church we call it “community” – but it is also observable by scientists. Special parts of our brains light up and synchronize with the people we are “in community” with. We connect and resonate.

 

That connection paves a way for cooperation AND it meets a deep human need for social living. When we have genuine connection, the brain is free to focus on solving problems and growing new skills. But without it, we suffer the consequences of survival state.

 

We often hear how connection takes time. Building trust in a relationship where both parties feel seen + loved is hard to come by in short bursts.

 

For those who spend the majority of their time serving people they will only meet occasionally – but require cooperation — the question becomes, how do you experience that connection described above with a stranger? Today I hope to give you an effective way forward.
Human connection is an essential element to achieving a collective goal AND overall wellness. Your brain craves it. But what if you spend most of your time with strangers? Read on for strategies. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

But first, why do we really care about human connection?

 

The biggest reason is because we are wired for it. Social connection is a basic need – demonstrated by a newborn baby. Even with an immature brain the social centers are active helping them form attachment to their parents and training them to cry when that attachment feels absent. And we know it carries on into adulthood – just ask any mother about her compulsion to pick up her crying babe.

 

The mammalian brain has adapted in order to increase its probability of survival. And in the words of social psychologist Dr. Matthew Lieberman, the brain bet on our being social. We even have a warning system that goes off when we experience social isolation or rejection. The neurotransmitter serotonin is used by the brain to motivate us to take action when it senses a loss in social status or connection. The hormone oxytocin pushes us to seek social support during times of stress.

 

What does connection do for us?

 

Let me tell you a secret about me. Ok, it’s probably not really a secret because if we met you’d see it right away. I’m a nervous-laugher. And it can get really bad. From people talking to me about my kids in the grocery checkout to meeting a new person at church, I have a hard time keeping myself from just filling the void with my nervous laugh. I blame it on my Relator strength. It gives me a strong desire to empathize…but doesn’t necessarily mean I’m very good at it.

 

I think I laugh for a couple of reasons. The first is that giggling releases endorphins – I can only assume my brain picked up the habit at some point and the release feels good, so it stuck around. The second reason is that laughter is a way to build connections with people. When someone is saying silly things to my kids (that they don’t understand), my laughter shows them that I don’t consider them a threat. I may not know what to say but I recognize they mean no harm and they can walk away enjoying my kids’ smiles instead of my scowling or confused face.

 

This is the same reason I laugh at my daughter’s jokes. She’s gotten pretty good at telling them but also, I want to respond in a way that shows her there is space for her to be silly. She belongs here. She is loved and seen.

 

When she feels that deep sense of belonging she can focus better. She is more cooperative. She is kinder to her brother. She asks for help to solve problems as if we’re a team.

 

In people-focused work, you need all these things too. You need engaged and connected people. Whether they are kids or adults. But how do you do that if you only see them for a few minutes? Or only once every week / month / year?

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

First — Recognize that most people are stressed out

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

 

Most people are stressed about something. Whether it is directly related to you or not, you can expect they have other things on their minds + hearts. Stress acts to bring our attention inward – as we become hyperfocused on our own pain. This disconnects us from our environment and the people around us.

 

What’s more, feeling alone in an unfamiliar place brings uncertainty. Making them feel vulnerable. What’s our reaction to vulnerability (in most cases)? Pull in even more. Control, deflect, numb.

 

When you approach a person who feels distant, unkind, or selfish the best starting point for making connection is to let all that go. If you respond accordingly, you will further alienate the person, and you’ll walk away feeling pretty crappy as well. But internally recognizing that this person has a story that you don’t yet know opens you up to be curious and kind.

 

This also tells your own stress system (the one getting fidgety over this person who seems to be rejecting you) that you don’t need to feel threatened. That you have what it takes to overcome this obstacle. In turn your brain will focus its energy on solving the problem rather than on your own controlling, deflecting, and numbing habits.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Second —  Make genuine small talk

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

Cue eye roll. I know “small talk” is commonly put down. Especially by those of us who want a reputation of being all deep and stuff. I’m talking about me, ya’ll. Working on it. But small talk is a powerful tool in the pursuit of human connection.

 

Questions like “how was your weekend” and “how’s your family” can be ok entry points. But when you ask a person a question about their day or their lives it needs to be accompanied by nonverbal signals that you actually intend to listen.

 

We all know what it’s like – the friend who says “how are you?!” as they blow right past you with no intention to hear your answer. Versus the friend who asks the very same question but we sense intuitively that they are present + focused on your reply.

 

You can be that person. Even to strangers.

 

When I worked at Starbucks I was surrounded by seasoned baristas. And it was instantly clear who the store favorites were. They were the men and women who made an effort to look at customers, remember names, and ask follow up questions about yesterday’s interview. Customers lingered at the bar, celebrated our birthdays with us, asked for pictures of our kids, told us stories about theirs, and we bought their girl scout cookies. One even gave my husband’s new business a shout out when he launched a kickstarter campaign.

 

All because when we asked “what’s going on today?” — and they answered — we listened and asked more questions. 

 

My favorites were the quiet ones. I tried hard to not be intrusive but wanted them especially to know that even they are seen. They don’t need to be loud or share their life story, but I see them, they belong here too, and we are so grateful for their presence.

 

You know what also happened at that store? We’d serve well over 100 customers in a couple of hours. So I’m not talking about a handful of regulars that would sit around and chat politics. I’m talking dozens that we would interact with for maybe two minutes from the time they ordered a drink to when they left.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Third — Help them into the present moment

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

We mostly operate on habits. It is energy-saving for the brain. Then, in new situations, we depend on previously established models for how to interact and behave. Mental models composite themselves whether we are aware of it or not.

 

The formation of mental models is incredibly important. They help us survive and decrease the burden of our environment as information is compressed into one big image rather than many discrete parts. The downside is we stop engaging in the way we think about our environment – and therefore how we feel about it. We stop considering how our mental model might need some updating.

 

When a stressed out person approaches you, it is very likely that they are interacting based on habit. This means that while they talk to you, answer your questions, and complete the necessary tasks they are not really interacting with YOU. They are interacting with the “you” of their mental model. That could be based on a person they met years ago or an experience they can’t even remember triggered by the way you greeted them. The brain is crazy, right?

 

So you have the opportunity now with this information to alter your approach. Invite them out of autopilot. The small talk you use, the environment of your office, the way you make eye contact – these can help to coax a person into the present moment.

 

Of course you can’t force a person to be present. But you can set the tone by being present yourself. Talking to yourself about what you see, getting curious about another person’s world, simulating in your mind what their life might be like. These are all actions that the brain is actually really good at but like any muscle it must be used to become prominent.

 

When you are present you become naturally more empathic because your brain is tuning in to the immediate environment rather than functioning off of old scripts and habits. With empathy we get connection.

 

And with connection we get cooperation and a better sense of wellbeing for all.

 

You can make this a new habit for yourself. Cuing yourself every time you hear the door open or when go refill your water bottle (or coffee cup) consider one of these prompts:

  • take note of how you are feeling
  • remind yourself why you are doing this work.
  • Look for something right this second that you genuinely appreciate.
  • Connect your current work day with your future goals as a necessary piece in your personal story.
  • Think of your biggest supporters.

 

Each of these can act to pull you back into the present moment and ground you in the midst of stress. These are also associated with our basic need for social standing and support. In turn they can stimulate the release of neurotransmitters that will help you respond better to stress and give you a rush of good feelings (making presence of mind feel good).

 

Action steps:

Self-awareness:

  • Consider your own experiences – where have you felt welcomed, seen, understood? How has that affected your behavior and emotional outlook?
  • What is your current behavior like at work? How do you greet people? What is the usual result?
  • Have you seen an instance where the way you approached a person seemed to bring them out of their shell? What did you do?
  • How do you currently think about the people you interact with at work or around town? Start noticing the thoughts you have first and how those thoughts impact your openness to them.

    Related post: 5 benefits of self-awareness

 

Small talk:

  • Challenge yourself in the small talk department – start to ask follow up questions and make eye contact.
  • Put more thought into your comments + questions — weather and the weekend tend to be favorites but is there something else you can ask that will get more than an “oh yea I like the fall colors too”?

    Related post: 3 things you should know when you work with people

 

Staying present:

Wrapping up —

It doesn’t take much to help a person move beyond uncertainty + isolation —–> connection + cooperation.

It’s important to keep your efforts focused on what you can control – and that’s your own state of mind. Remembering that people are naturally preoccupied by other stuff, being intentional with your small talk, and keeping your brain awake so you can respond appropriately to the moment will help you gain trust even in only a few minutes time.

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Self Care

Surviving as an introvert: 4 strategies to keep you connected

When you work in a people-focused environment it becomes essential to know where you land on the introvert-extrovert scale. Not because one is better than the other but because the underlying physiology associated with these traits can help you both understand your behavior + take effective action.

 

Spending a lot of time in large groups of people is going to look and feel different depending on where you are on the I/E scale. This is so much more than a label. This is your brain chemistry manifesting in your behavior. Each have their strengths. What’s more important is that you use who you are to your advantage.

 

As a mom, coming to a new level of understanding about how my brain works has been fundamental in helping me overcome anger issues + apathy toward problems that arise. It has helped me get in rhythm with my body so that I can effectively take action and recharge. It has also made it a lot easier to break up with some numbing tactics because I know what will actually help me recover.

 

Remember when I talked about self-care being whatever you have to do in order to keep going? This is one of those things.

 

Are you an introvert that is constantly around people? Do you feel like all you can do at the end of a long week is stare at a wall? Staying connected is essential to serving people well - not to mention your own wellbeing. Read this post for 4 strategies to staying connected without frying your circuits week after week. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

If you’re not convinced yet that this is something you need to know about yourself, then ask yourself if you wish you were happier, more consistent, or had more willpower. What I’m about to talk about will get you on that path too.

(If you’re short on time, scroll to the bottom for the summary)

This week we’re hitting on how to help introverts stay engaged + connected in a people-filled environment. In a few weeks we will circle back and talk about the extrovert side of the spectrum because everyone has obstacles to staying engaged and understanding the brain’s role can help us take effective action. If you’re more extroverted, send this to all your introverted friends and stick around because we’ll get to you. I promise.

 

Ok, I have A LOT to talk about today. So enough intro – let’s dive in.

What it means to be an introvert

I’ve taken a myers-briggs test probably at least half a dozen times. And every time I come out being called an extrovert. And it’s just not true ya’ll. Perhaps you’ve heard of the word “ambivert” where you’re a nice little half-blood but let’s get more descriptive than that. If you find yourself easily fatigued by large crowds or needy children but you also would occasionally choose to meet a close group of friends at a loud restaurant without a second thought than you are probably an extroverted introvert. Meaning you are on the introvert side of the spectrum but can also a bit extroverted in limited capacities.

 

If you’ve regularly felt in-conflict with what these tests tell you about yourself here’s a little disclaimer: you probably are answering based on who you think you should be. Often it is so ingrained that our automatic response can even be misaligned with our actual physiology. And with that beautiful word, let’s start talking about the major chemical difference between an introvert and an extrovert.

 

The biggest difference is a pretty simple one, really. An introvert has a greater sensitivity to dopamine.

 

Dopamine is released in the brain under a variety of circumstances, one of them being new environments. It plays a role in learning + memory. Therefore when you encounter new stimuli to be sorted and interpreted, dopamine floods the brain. Introverts require very little stimulation for dopamine to be released and to reach saturation. In contrast, extroverts require greater stimulation for dopamine to reach saturation.

 

In other words: an introvert requires less input to reach the desired happy, creative, and thoughtful state.

 

Knowing this we can identify the real reason introverts struggle to engage in a large crowd. Shyness is not the answer – overstimulation is. From a quiet corner a person can help their brain sort through the new information a little bit at a time and determine the best mode of entry into the fray. A new place with new faces, smells, sounds, etc. is often too much for an introvert to sort through on the spot – especially since that environment is also going to bring on a slew of internal reactions like self-talk, anxiety, increased heart rate, etc.

 

We use these internal processes – like releasing dopamine in a new environment – to get a lay of the land mentally. We modify our mental models, identify key players in the room, strategize our approach, integrate and transfer ideas, and develop appropriate responses as we integrate our feelings with all the other information.

 

However, all of the input make it difficult for an introvert to truly listen and thoughtfully respond to the people. Instead they will depend upon previously established mental models for interpreting what’s happening – requiring them to stick to preconceived scripts and ideas.

 

Overstimulation: an obstacle to high performance

Maybe you can cope well enough in a social environment. Keeping conversation light + playful can be nice. But when it comes to a work environment, you need to be able to function at a higher level, right? Not just to meet expectations but for your personal satisfaction!

 

Overstimulation impedes a person’s abilities to regulate their behavior (getting out of reaction mode), make decisions, focus on the task at hand, determine prioritization, communicate effectively, find + implement creative solutions, etc. Basically, anything that requires you to take in the immediate environment and rapidly turn out an effective response.

 

When I was a new mom I heard all the time how important it was to have a routine for the child’s sake. I love child development and they are right on – for kids, everything is new. And that means they are prone to overstimulation. Just like me. Their capacities are lower than an introverted adult – I can eat a cookie before bed and not go berserk – but they need an environment that takes their developing brains into consideration.

 

Similarly you need to set yourself up for success, taking YOUR brain into consideration. On any given day there is so much that is outside of our control, but this? This is on you. We have a phrase in our house, “make it easy.” And that’s what you have to do here. Easy doesn’t mean it’ll come naturally or feel effortless. It means that you will apply force in the necessary areas to see productive results.

 

So shall we dive in to where you should apply that force? YAY!

 

BUT FIRST: we’re already at 1000 words here so if you need to take a break and digest how this new information on introversion affects your life, please do it now. Bookmark or pin this post and come back when you’re ready to implement. Let this be your first action step → don’t force yourself to take in more than your brain can handle. We don’t want this to be yet another thing that just sits in your brain because it was too much too fast.

 

Ok, here’s how you can start to take back control:

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Strategy #1: Get yourself some self-awareness

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

If I sound like a broken record I promise it’s not just because I’m merely fixated on self-awareness. It really is the first step to changing any behavior.

 

Self-awareness involves two areas: Where you are and where you want to go. You don’t know if you have enough gas in your car until you check. And you don’t know if it’s enough unless you know how far you need to go. Ya with me?

 

Some prompts to journal through:

  • What does it look like for you to be overwhelmed / overstimulated? Do you get snippy? Anxious? Start puttering around without getting anything done? Go into autopilot? Feel like you need to crawl out of your skin? Just me?
  • What kinds of situations push you over the edge? Is it correlated to a time of day?
  • What, if any, actions seem to help you stay below that threshold?
  • How do you typically respond to overstimulation? Are you reaching for your phone more? Thinking about what you’ll watch on Netflix tonight? Daydreaming?
  • What signs seem to act as a warning bell that the threshold is approaching? Is it inappropriate to lock my kids outside and start making dinner at 3pm?

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Strategy #2: Be selective about your spontaneity

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

Sounds super cool, right?

 

I used to tell myself that I couldn’t be a planner. As soon as I would set a schedule or routine for myself or for my kids, I would feel stifled and never do it. You know what came with that? No energy to talk to my husband. And very few “fun-mom” moments. This isn’t a judgment on me – or anyone else, obviously we don’t judge here – but aligning with my strengths requires that I limit the space left for spontaneity. Like if I’m “spontaneously” deciding on what we’re doing for the day as it unfolds, I’m instantly decreasing my ability to roll with whatever antics my kids think up. My physiology struggles to have both.

 

Nothing stifles fun mom faster than realizing I don’t know what’s for dinner at 5pm.

 

BUT you know what I can do? I can take 5-10 minutes the night before (and a little longer on Sunday) to map out our day.

 

It is pretty literally the worst to get to dinner time and have no energy to do anything but throw children in bed and zone out on the computer. In days gone by I would very passive aggressively make it obvious to my husband that I was not interested in talking to him and heaven forbid he attempt any physical contact. My fried brain was is fight mode and it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

If you want to be able to stay engaged throughout your work + have energy leftover to really connect with the important people in your life, you have to be more selective in your spontaneity. Own that brain chemistry, girl. 

Here’s where your mental image for who you want to be comes into play: do you want to be a person who has to zone out every night? Or do you want to be able to meet friends for a drink or take your kids on a spontaneous picnic? If it’s the latter, than you need to put in the effort to streamline your daily decisions.

 

ACTION STEP:

  • Consider what you wish you had more energy for – Playing with your kids? Weekly dinner with friends? Space to devote to a hobby you’ve let fall aside? Time with your husband that is beyond netflix + ice cream?
  • Now think about your day – where does it feel like you’re expending more energy than should be necessary? What feels especially draining?
  • What could you do to make that area / event more predictable?

 

Here’s another good place to stop. Take action on these first two steps before adding more to your plate, k? We’ll wait.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Strategy #3: Honor your body’s rhythms + take a time out

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

There is SO MUCH MORE science to tell you about, guys. But I’ll refrain and save it for another post.

 

The big idea here is that you are an organism. Not a machine. Your body functions in a rhythm, requiring input + output for a wholehearted life. You, my dear friend, are one of those amazing people who literally can’t help helping. It’s just a part of your life. It makes you who you are. But that does not mean you are an exception to the rule: your body, mind, and spirit need nourishment if you want to keep on doing this thing called life.

 

Sleep is one way our bodies take a time out to refresh. Your brain and the rest of your tissues are working all through the night to repair cells, get rid of toxins, refresh its stores, etc. So sleep is hugely important. And more than that – our brains need a chill-out time throughout the day too. Ok maybe I told you a little more science.

 

As introverted folk, we need to honor that during-the-day rhythm. Remember up above when I asked you some questions to build your self-awareness? Well, here’s where that info is useful! There are going to be times during the day when we feel a lull happening. The lull is your brain saying, “Cool it! Let me catch up, por favor!” We’re taking in information all the time and giving your brain a few minutes (with 15-20 being optimal) to play catch up, you will be able to better maintain energy levels throughout the day. Which mean you’ll be better able to stay engaged with the people around you instead of just wishing everyone would shut up.

 

<mini-rant>

Social media scrolling is NOT allowed during these mental breaks. I was gonna be all “not the best choice” but this is too true and too important to play PC.

 

Social media:

  • shortens your attention span,
  • triggers dopamine surges that are more like a sugar rush, desensitizing you to real connection + real information
  • makes you think you’ve connected with people when you haven’t
  • is MORE stimulation for your brain to sort through
  • introduces common triggers to stress / anxiety / comparison / etc
  • is full of people telling you who you should be / what you should be doing

 

Don’t do that to yourself. It’s fun, obviously. But pick a time during the day when you are going to intentionally engage in that and don’t let it be your “I’m tired so let me just scroll” as if that’s productive or helping you unwind. Trust me, it’s not.

</rant>

 

ACTION STEP:

  • Think about your usual day, find a moment around midmorning and midafternoon where you can take a 10-20 minute breather. Even if you can only start with 3 minutes, do it.
  • Set your phone alarm to remind you.
  • Follow through and take a few minutes to let your mind release. Take some deep breaths but don’t try to focus on anything (or nothing). No effort here.
  • Do this for a week – make notes about any differences you experience.

 

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

Strategy #4: Establish personal rituals

[kleo_divider type=”full|long|double|short” double=”yes|no” position=”center|left|right” text=”” class=”” id=””]

 

Your brain wants to run on habits. It is more energy efficient. Daily rituals allow your brain to chunk certain activities and tie them to cues + rewards – making it easier to build the habit AND incorporating natural motivation because rewards involve happy chemical release (which your brain like really, really loves).

 

Again, this section can (and probably will) be its own separate post and as we near the 3,000 word mark let’s keep the action here simple + tied in to the above action steps. You need a nightly routine for mapping out the next day + closing down this one.

 

What do you get out of a nighttime routine? Your brain gets cued up that sleep is coming. That alters your brain chemistry, making it easier to fall asleep. Making your plan for the next day gives you the chance to reflect on the day, realign with your priorities, and head into the next day giving your focus to people instead of to tasks. And finally, you get the opportunity to purposely close out the day. Rather than suddenly realizing it’s 10pm and you haven’t set the coffee pot, cleaned up dinner, or read that book you’d intended to start, you can rhythmically move through your evening into the things that fill you up for another day.

 

Imagine it: going to bed full instead of feeling guilty, rushed, or scattered.

 

You guys, I’ve tasted and seen. It is so, so good to end the day feeling grateful + connected to what is most important to you.

 

ACTION STEP:

  • What’s your current night routine like? What do you like about it? What do you wish you were doing differently?
  • Start with the time you want to be in bed and work backwards, how will you spend your evening? What time do you need to close your computer or turn off the tv?
  • Give yourself 5-10 minutes to plot out your next day as you close down the kitchen or before you watch a show.
  • Pick 1 or 2 (short) things that you can do just before getting into bed that will help you transition your mind from activity to rest + align you with what is most important to you. Might be listening to music or a Bible app while you wash your face + get into pajamas. Maybe it’s journaling or writing a letter to a friend. Whatever it is, turn the lights low, be present, be grateful, and ease yourself into sleep.
  • Download Insight Timer (free) for sleep meditations if you have trouble falling asleep. I have a couple of favorites (Yoga Nidras) that I have yet to hear the end of, even when it still feels like my mind is buzzing as I get into bed. I also like to set the sleep timer on Pandora to soft instrumentals (ok so really they are epic soundtracks).

 

Wrap up (read: a reminder why any of this matters)

  • Introverts have a lower tolerance for stimulation.

  • Stimulation is any + all incoming information to the brain from sensory experience to internal dialogue to feelings to verbal + non-verbal cues from people.

  • In an overstimulated state you will struggle to make decisions, come up with creative solutions, regulate your behavior / emotions, maintain focus on the important stuff, perform necessary tasks effectively, etc.

  • All of these inhibit your ability to engage + connect with the people around you in the present moment.

  • Taking action to limit stimuli, discharge excess stimulation, streamline processes, and introduce systems + routines will increase your capacity for the people in your lives and keep you connected to your mission in the midst of all the noise.

 

If this sounds like something you need + want to do but you feel overwhelmed at the thought of doing it by yourself, this is what I do with clients. In the very near future I will be unveiling a “work with me” page for beta testers of my coaching program.

CLICK HERE NOW to get on the waiting list for beta testers to my coaching program.
Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Self Care

How to use your self-talk to bolster your relationships

Do you ever find yourself arriving to work and immediately feeling irritated by the first person you talk to or overwhelmed by the the first problem that comes up? Do you feel like these interactions are out of your control AND they end up setting the tone for your day?

 

When we start to open ourselves to the idea – to the dream – that life could be more fulfilling, that you could finally find a balance that allow you to do what you really want to do, it can be especially disheartening to encounter situations like this.

 

It’s my hope that today’s post will give you the tools you need to start to see change here.

If you ever find yourself upset at a coworker for unknown reasons beyond "he's annoying" then this post is for you. Learn the importance of your self-talk in building good relationships + how your brain has adapted to keep you safe and connected. Read more at alisanelson.co

 

 

Your work is deeply entangled in human relationships. Whether you work with a team or you spend your days guiding others, your ability to connect with people in a positive way can make or break your own sense of well-being.

 

The research I’ve done into human connection and performance has brought me to a surprising conclusion: you need to talk to yourself more.

 

But Alisa, I already talk to myself constantly! I feel like a crazy person!

 

I know! That’s what makes this step so easy. We talk to ourselves all. the. time. There’s a pretty large deviation between estimates of how many words we say to ourselves per day (I’ve seen estimates ranging from 12K to 50K) but suffice it to say it’s always happening. See, it’s not just you.

 

You cannot possibly account for every word you say to yourself. However, knowing that this is happening and steadily increasing your awareness of your default self-talk can increase your capability during interactions with other people throughout the day.

 

What kinds of things do we want to know about your self-talk?

  • What are the oft-repeated scripts you say/think about yourself?
  • What is your view of time?
  • How do you rate your priorities?
  • What’s your reaction to obstacles?
  • What stories do you tell yourself about your co-workers or the people you serve?

 

Our thoughts are capable of putting us into a stressed state – and that can end up cutting us off from the parts of our brain that help us accurately view + interpret the world around us. All throughout the day your brain is relying on pre-established habits. You’re on autopilot. And that includes what you say to yourself and the pictures your paint of people.

 

Without realizing it, you could be getting frustrated with a co-worker who is asking questions during a meeting because your brain is going off of the memory. Like when your talkative brother made you late for school. Your brain has trained your body to get anxious + feisty when something outside of your control takes more time than you were expecting.

 

The actual origin of the habit isn’t important. What IS important is recognizing the brain’s ability to induce stress by superimposing an alternate reality without our realizing it.

 

We live our lives through mental models.

Our survival-focused brain builds these models as we go through life to strengthen its cause-effect analysis and thus increase the likelihood of survival. In our modern world, our stress response tends to get initiated unnecessarily. Take the above example of being late for school. Our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have established habits of being in certain places on time because losing track of the tribe could mean death. Isolation was not a good thing. So the brain adapted a system in which it releases neurochemicals like serotonin and oxytocin to motivate us to behave appropriately and maintain our relationships. 

 

We establish these habits as children – like all mammals, we are pretty helpless on our own when we first start out. And humans take the longest to develop to full maturity (like 3 decades, people!).

My own kids regularly voice their fears of me forgetting them or leaving them behind when we are preparing to leave the house. That is their survival brain urging them to stay close to me because being alone equals vulnerability. That is their current mental model. I even have my own here – an anxiety about turning all the lights off when my husband isn’t home. I don’t want to be in the dark – or even go to sleep – when he is away. My brain has a notion that being by myself is unsafe.

 

Developing the capability to recognize these mental models allows us to modify them as time goes on and we have more information or greater skill. I would expect my children, right now at 2 + 4 years old, to have anxiety about going to bed without me home but as they get older I would try to help them start to process through their fears so they can actively modify their mental models. This intentional practice allows them to alter their brain’s reaction to being alone under certain circumstances. And to start to distinguish between the kind of “alone” that is safe versus an unnecessary vulnerability.

 

Getting in the habit of actively telling yourself stories can help you to do the same. You can begin to rewrite or expand your mental models of the world around you and thus avoid relationship-degrading behaviors. Like snapping at your husband for taking the last chicken nugget because you grew up with a big brother who always ate all the food. Just a hypothetical situation, of course.

 

Why will this help your relationships? Because the active building of your mental models will help you stay more present in your day, intaking data that is relevant to THIS moment rather than reacting based on data that was relevant last week – or 10 years ago. You are a different person with new understandings of the world and ever-expanding capability. Your models should grow with you.

 

Finally, this storytelling does another thing – it opens you up for empathy.

 

For example, when a person yawns, we are not simply mimicking their behavior when we yawn too. The stimulus travels through our mirror neurons down to the limbic + brain stem regions of the brain. We simulate emotionally + physiologically what that other person is feeling. We yawn. As the message travels back up to our prefrontal cortex, we are able to anticipate the needs of this other person and act accordingly. We know how they feel. We can relate. That is empathy.

 

If you’re lost in your own world of passive reactions, you miss the opportunity to connect with the people around you. Empathy meets the needs we all have to be known and to interact socially. You’re increasing your own sense of fulfillment simply because you’re tackling life alongside other people, cooperatively.

 

It’s time to take action. 

I want you to comment below with one of the areas of self-talk that you are going to start observing. Then, I want you to take out a piece of paper or open a doc on your computer and take some notes on what you already know about your self-talk. Or what situations you continue to see yourself overreact in or experience degrading relationships. What assumptions do you see yourself making?

Then, set an alarm on your phone for a few times throughout the day as a prompt to tune back into the stories you are telling yourself.

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior

Enhance client experience: give them the language

Client experience is an important aspect of your business - but it’s more than website design. Every person you work with needs you to help them navigate the language of your field. Are you making sure your clients feel confident and capable or are they wandering around lost, stuck, and confused? Instead of getting frustrated by their questions or lack of follow through, make it a priority to educate. Read on for tips on how to incorporate education into your client experience from learning methods down to the details. Help clients engage, boost their confidence, and keep their eyes on what's actually important. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

What’s your client experience like? Are your clients engaged and prompt or are they getting stuck in unimportant details and slow in making decisions? Whether you realize it or not, understanding how your clients think – and how those thoughts translate into action – is important to your success and their client experience. Without it, you will wonder why so few follow through in a timely manner and why they don’t seem to value your work.

Today this post is going to help you help your clients learn. Specifically, we want to make sure your clients can be on the same page as you by teaching them how to interact in your domain – they need language and you’re going to give it to them.

When your client is ignorant of what the real, descriptive meaning of your words are, they will experience increased stress around working with you or within your domain in general. And stress is the last word you want describing your client experience. You have several opportunities throughout the client relationship to prime them for success by decreasing their own uncertainty and confusion.

Client experience is an important aspect of your business - but it’s more than website design. Every person you work with needs you to help them navigate the language of your field. Are you making sure your clients feel confident and capable or are they wandering around lost, stuck, and confused? Instead of getting frustrated by their questions or lack of follow through, make it a priority to educate. Read on for tips on how to incorporate education into your client experience from learning methods down to the details. Help clients engage, boost their confidence, and keep their eyes on what's actually important. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

Let’s quickly look at why you might want to decrease uncertainty. I’ve written about it a lot (like here) but a quick refresher, maybe?

Uncertainty is stressful for the brain. The brain is busy trying to determine if things are safe and when a shadow is cast over something, it assumes it is dangerous. With a rise in cortisol we get behaviors like procrastination, excessive questions, loss of focus on the important stuff, etc.

You don’t want that happening to a client. Whether you work 1-on-1 or they are a part of a group, it’s your job to help them succeed. They can’t do that if they are wandering around lost, stuck, or confused.

Your clients won’t succeed if they are wandering around lost, stuck, or confused

Click To Tweet

Back in the 80s there was some research done on skill acquisition that helps us form a strategy here. You might not have thought about it this way but you are trying to help your clients gain the “skill” of working within your domain. Learning the language of that domain is essential to engagement. Without knowing what words mean or how to use them, a person literally cannot participate. And since you have been in the field for a while, words that are difficult for your clients likely seem obvious to you.

In fact, it’s probably a source of frustration because why the heck do they keep asking for photos in dark, windowless churches when you clearly state that you are a natural light photographer??

Hint, hint: they probably don’t know what natural light really means.

And that’s ok! You’re the professional, right? It’s not their job to know, it’s your job to educate them on the important stuff.

Related: 3 things you should know when you work with people

So how do you do that?

First, go into every meeting with the assumption that your new client is a novice in your field.

Here are a few characteristics of a novice:

  • No actual experience in the area they are expected to perform a task.
  • Lack situational awareness (what’s important in this moment).
  • Don’t know what they don’t know.

What they need from you:

  • Context free learning – descriptive language.
  • Patience for their unrelated or out-of-order questions (and desire to have those questions answered as if they are the most important concepts).
  • Sequential uncovering of information to avoid overwhelm and help them see the big picture.
  • Check-ins for understanding along the way.

Recommended sequence for uncovering information:

  1. Big picture – with constraints on the edges
  2. Big ideas
  3. How those big ideas interact
  4. Details.

The details are last because just like any problem, we need orientation to the big picture before we can make any sense of the details. Your client will just be overwhelmed if you jump into talking about which collateral items they want when they have no idea what that is or how it relates to their brand.

Without effective education, they will prolong the process because they don’t know how to make a decision or what’s going to be important. That wastes time for both of you.

“Ok, Alisa, I get it. A better client experience includes teaching my clients the language in a way that systematically reveals what is important at each stage of the process. So can we talk about how to do that now?”

So glad you asked! Answer: You need a good strategy that involves these big ideas:

  • Pair a word or idea with a visual (whether in story-form, picture, or video) is better for helping people understand words — words defining words is the worst (ex. What does methodology mean? “A set of methods.” That does not help me use the word effectively.)

  • Never give more information than they need at that moment (help your clients avoid overwhelm!) – be concise and descriptive.

  • Create space + safety for questions and provide prompts to stimulate the “oh yea, I don’t really know what that means” conversations.

What we want is for every step of your client process to leave your client feeling confident and excited about their newfound capability. We want them to experience that security of knowing they are communicating effectively with you and therefore the end product will in fact be what they’ve been hoping for.

Let me give you a quick example —

My son is 20 months and learning words like crazy. Every time we label something important to him (from an animal at the zoo to the snack he is enjoying) he lights up. And he starts to use it to ask for what he wants or to further enjoy his play. When he is struggling to ask for something and I manage to guess – and tell him the word – he starts giggling with joy. Oh the joy of being understood and getting what you want.

Do you see the value of increasing someone’s understanding? When you help people learn new things you give them new tools to use to express themselves + their needs, and to operate even just a little bit more comfortably within a new space.

[Side Note: In our instant-gratification world, you might see people reject your attempts to educate them in the domain language. Sometimes it’s because they are already fully saturated and unable to take in new information (but still need a job done) and other times it’s the unfortunate reality of not cultivating curiosity. Be sure to check for understanding along the way so they don’t end up frustrated by the end result, even if they aren’t opting in to your attempts at education.]

So how do you introduce your domain language without slowing down the onboarding or work process?

This is an important consideration because while people love to learn new things, they can also be very one-track minded. They are coming to you looking for a specific outcome and they want to jump right in.

But you know better. You can see the big picture here because you’ve been through it over and over again. You know exactly what a client needs to know in order to make your relationship run smoothly all the way through.

So your job is to fish through your memory or your notes and identify the ESSENTIAL understandings your clients need.

Then, you need to categorize them into where they fall in the timeline.

  • What do they need to know before they sign up to work with you?
  • What do they need to know right after they sign up?
  • What is important halfway through the process?
  • What is important just before closure?
  • What do they need to be successful after your relationship is complete?

Make these essentials available in a user-friendly manner

These days – where information overload is a constant – everybody goes a little crazy over “actionable” information. But you, as the professional developing into a real expert, have the job of ensuring the essential pieces of the puzzle are not lost. For example, your client will want to just jump in a pick a color scheme (or maybe they already have one in mind) but it’s your job to make sure they know what colors communicate before they make a final decision. Your client process needs to make time for helping them make informed decisions.

Now for ideas on the user-friendly way to educate your clients:

A product / services page that provides real information.

Sell-able copy is important, but even more important is that your potential client gets a real sense of what it’s like to work with you, if you will be a good fit, and what the process looks like.

Use concise yet descriptive language telling visitors who you are, your mission, what the product includes, and who fits best for the product. If you can, pair your description with a video or a set of images that complements your words. At-a-glance understanding and a real sense of what the client will experience should be your goal.

Remember: We don’t want is to bog down potential clients with too much information – giving important information too soon makes it unimportant and decreases the likelihood that your would-be-next-client will follow through and sign up. We do, however, want to thoughtfully eliminate any barriers that might lead them to move on to the next website (assuming they are an ideal client).

Give them a lay of the land in the welcome email

It can be tempting to jump right in to the onboarding details but a new client needs to know that the questions they have will be covered – and when. Map out the journey including a timeline and major landmarks. If you know what clients are usually thinking about when they first sign up, give them assurance that you will get there. Use descriptive language so they can feel confident they understand what is expected of them (and what they can expect from you).

Include “glossary”-type page

Short, description definitions that your client can find all in one place has a couple of good effects. The first is you have a place to refer to. When you give your client an action step, you can remind them that if they need, they can refer to the glossary in their packet (or attached in an email).

The second effect is it will keep your client from googling. Perhaps you normally tell your client to email you with any questions but many people don’t like to ask for help – especially when they think they should know the answer. Instead they will likely try to figure it out themselves and you never really know what sources they will end up finding.

Create a blog series about your client process + how you work.

Here we’re going for posts that include screenshots, video, and / or images that give the client a mental image of the process that will include some working definitions of the language you will use.

By putting these types of posts into your archive you give a potential client a place to go if they are interested in reading more about how your design process works (like this one by Elle & Co) or how to streamline content creation (like this awesome post by Maya Elious!).

Links to essential blog posts

Think of this as your “index” if you were writing a book. Link your client to that blog post series you’ve created and be sure to categorize them so they can go directly to what they need in the moment. Use your experience – what questions do you frequently answer? Where do you see clients getting stuck in unimportant details?

 

Make a set of introductory videos, screencasts, or well-crafted visuals to be dripped out to your client at the appropriate time.

What’s your client onboarding like? From the couple of years I ran a personal training business out of my home I know there can be questionnaires, scheduling, setting communication expectations, setting up client profiles on a member portal, ensuring they know what steps to take + when, etc. It can be a whirlwind of chaos. And it can make or break their experience.

A welcome packet with step-by-step instructions is all well and fine. Your new + excited client might read every word when they first receive it. But reading every word might leave them overwhelmed – even if they don’t realize it. Meanwhile, videos that are delivered when needed will set your client up for success – they will avoid overwhelm and be more likely to retain the information.

Be approachable

People don’t like asking what might be a stupid question. By checking in with them you set the standard that understanding is more important than fast communication. Including statements like: “If any words I’m using are confusing feel free to interrupt me or shoot me an email if you have questions later” regularly tells your clients that you expect they will need some clarity AND tunes them to look for words they don’t understand.

If they don’t ask questions but appear to be lagging on their response or lacking follow-through, don’t assume they understand. Instead ask directly – “I’m noticing that you are struggling to follow through. Is there anything I can clarify? Where do you find yourself getting stuck?” They may have an alternative explanation but better to be corrected than to proceed when your client is lost, stuck, or confused.

 

Take action:

  1. Define your big picture → what MUST prospective clients know about you and your services in order to confidently hire you? Polling previous clients might help you with this one.

  2. Define your big ideas → once you’re hired, what are the major steps that are taken? How can you effectively inform your client of those steps? Imagine you are showing them a lay of the land before you head off on your adventure. Point out the landmarks.

  3. Define how the big ideas interact → how does step 3 rely on a successful step 2? These interactions need to be understood so your client knows the most important decisions to make.

  4. Fill in the details → as you approach landmarks, what details do they need to know / understand to ensure they will accomplish the next task?

  5. From the list above – or your own creative ideas – plan out how you will inform your client from pre-hiring to saying goodbye.

Whether it’s simplifying your sales page, scripting + recording video, or putting together a “guided tour” through images / icons, break it into actionable steps, schedule it, and take action. Trust me, it is worth your time to ensure every client has clarity and confidence while working with you – you’re building trust + loyalty.

So tell me, what’s worked for you? What actions have you found to uplevel your client experience?

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Raising Capable Kids

How to really establish your expertise

You’ve likely heard it over and over again — narrow down into a niche and position yourself as an expert.

Today I’m here to tell you, from the brain science perspective, what it really takes to be an expert in your niche. It’s more than blogging about a range of topics relevant to your niche and it’s more than being quoted in the media. It’s way cooler than that, actually.

 

As a business owner it’s your job to solve problems. There is a method to problem solving that will put you on the track to becoming a real expert in your niche. Here are the characteristics of an expert-like learner versus a non expert-like learner. Read on to see why the way you respond to being wrong and the effort you take to understand the problem are two big indicators in whether you will actually become an expert or if you just claim to be one. Read more at http://alisanelson.coPin that image, girl boss! Or click here to pin directly from Pinterest.

In any domain we can all see that there are those who have knowledge + experience, then there are those who have knowledge, experience, and also this indescribable ability to do everything better. Doctors, entrepreneurs, musicians, athletes. The first will still go on to be a good doctor but the second will go on to extend what it means to be a doctor. Why?

Well I’m all about focusing on the 20% (most significant / important information) and here’s what it is:

What scientists have found is that it comes down to how they learn. How they go about acquiring new skills like responding to a crisis in the operating room or diagnosing a patient.

Whaaa? Yes. The way they approach a problem is different than their peers.

CLICK HERE NOW TO GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND START LEARNING LIKE A REAL EXPERT.

 

Getting a better picture of the expert at work

You see, every single one of us forms an idea about how the world works. As we gain new knowledge or experience, we fit it into our mental model of the world (or that specific domain). But the method of how that new piece fits is different between the expert and the non-expert. And to help us get a good understanding I’m going to use an analogy of putting a puzzle together. First, let’s talk about how we put puzzles together:

When you start a new puzzle, do you just start trying to put pieces together or do you first study the box? Do you categorize the pieces? Often you see someone begin with the border, then move on to the bigger sections (the main image or the very colorful ones), then they fill in the details or the more mono-colored pieces (like the sky or the snow).

Why is that an effective method? The edge pieces are of course easy to spot and the big, colorful parts of the picture are easier but I observe that there are deeper principles afoot:

  1. Establishing the border constrains the puzzle. It gives you a concrete edge in which all the remaining pieces must fit. The border acts as your first frame of reference.

  2. Moving next to the big, colorful spots you are able to get a clear orientation to the puzzle. This helps you to be able to start predicting where pieces go as you begin to envision how this first image affects the other elements of the big picture (like distance, perspective, orientation, etc). (Psychologically speaking, these first two steps also tend to build morale. Small wins and rapid succession of success boosts you enough to be more patient with the more difficult pieces).

  3. Finally, putting the rest of the sky together is made easier (most of the time) because it is more like filling in space. You’ve acclimated yourself to the tone of the puzzle so slight variations in color are easier to see and the unique shapes of the pieces are easier to identify. Since this is often the part of the puzzle where the box fails to be helpful, having the established reference points and familiarity with the puzzle helps you continue to be successful.

 

If you’ve read my previous posts on problem solving and learning, you might be starting to make the connections between a puzzle and learning:

  • Understand what the problem is and establish the desired outcome
  • Identify key concepts and language within the domain
  • Use these first two steps to fill in the details, doing small dips into research on these more detailed elements.

These first two steps anchor you so that when the more detailed pieces become important, they don’t cause you to get lost, stuck, or confused.

The better you understand the problem, the less likely you will be lost, stuck, or confused.

Click To Tweet

So you want to be an expert in your niche?

This is how a woman becomes a real expert. The puzzle might be a picture of entrepreneurship, or it might be her specific domain as a graphic designer or biz coach, or it may be a specific project like building her first training program. No matter the scale, the expert-like learner will constrain the problem, gain orientation to the language + the various elements involved, and use those anchors to fill in the details. Also:

  • They will refer to the prior art (the box) — and not someone else’s unfinished puzzle.
  • They will not assume they understand the puzzle just because they got the border together.
  • They will not start with the sky.
  • They will not try to place single, random, stand-alone pieces on the table as if they know exactly where they belong.
  • They will not assume that the next puzzle can just be thrown together because they figured this one out (they use the same method every single time, even with the same puzzle).
  • They remove pieces to be reconsidered when a new piece starts to make it look out of place.

Related:
Why you keep obsessing over social media
How to turn self-doubt into an asset

So…is this how you solve a problem?

Let’s take one last look at that idea of a mental model I mentioned at the beginning of this adventure. You have a model in your mind of what it looks like to be a graphic designer or a biz coach or how to create your next product. And because you are still young – even if you’ve been building your biz for a handful of years already – your mental model is incomplete. Do you see it that way? Are you continuing to carefully reference the box and consider the border or are you assuming your puzzle is done? Are you open to having a piece in the wrong position and willing to remove it so it can be placed correctly?

You care about your clients. You’re here, at this point in your life + career, because you want to make a difference in people’s lives and you want to grow into the type of person that people can depend on and even look to for guidance and encouragement.

Related:
4 ways to improve your focus throughout the day
Get consistent: 4 mindsets hurting your business

Take action:

Look at the domain where you repeatedly feel lost, stuck, or confused. Have you done the border work or are you neck-deep in anchor-less details? Take a step toward building that border:

  1. Write down the bigger problem – you have an outcome in mind for your biz or for your clients, now what obstacles are standing in the way?

    Example: Are you dreaming of building a course about a certain topic but wondering how to ensure people buy it before you waste your time? One of your bigger problems here is: How do I effectively influence people? What builds trust between producers and consumers? What are people looking for when they buy something?

     

  2. Write down all the words you can think of that relate to that problem and outcome.

    Influence, building trust, marketing, consumer behavior, positioning, etc.

     

  3. Look beyond other bloggers.

    Influencing other people or any other business topic is going to have principles that transcend our fast-paced online business world. Bloggers will give you the detailed steps to follow but it’s rare for them to teach you the underlying principles. When you look at the bigger principles, the details will become much more obvious.

BONUS: GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND START LEARNING LIKE A REAL EXPERT.

 

So tell me in the comments — is this how you put a puzzle together? Does that analogy reveal anything new or interesting about how you go about learning?

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior

How to stay focused when learning new things in business

Learning new skills and establishing your footing is essential to surviving in business. But how do you stay focused in a world of information overload?

Let’s say you’re thinking about developing some new products to begin scaling your business efforts and you need to really understand content marketing so you can form a strategy and implement. How often do you head for Google only to find yourself in a rabbit hole in 2 minutes flat? When you finally emerge, you’re signed up for 5 more email lists yet no closer to actually understanding the issue at hand.

In recent posts we’ve talked about the importance of effective problem-solving — when you look at each of these questions (what is content marketing and how does it apply to my business?) as a problem to solve, you increase the likelihood you’ll actually get the answers you need.

In today’s post we’re talking about how to stay focused within the miry bog of the internet. It’s tough work to separate the genuine signal from the noise and on top of all the useless information, you’ve got your own brain to consider. So that’s where I’m coming in – brain science meets creative biz life is where I thrive after all.

Tired of every business question leading to hours of unproductive research (and youtube videos?) Here are 12 tips for maintaining focus and beating procrastination while solving problems like a boss. Plus a bonus template for important “before you google" work to ensure your learning is effective and relevant to your biz.

Cognitive load refers to the capacity of a person’s working memory. The associated theory is applied to learning environments in order to optimize for a common human shortcoming – we can only handle so much new information at one time. Add another layer of ideas to remember without a system in place and you’re bound for information overload.

Luckily, scientists have found useful methods for processing new information and keeping cognitive load low but it’s likely that you’re not employing these methods as you rapidly scroll through google search results.

Use these 12 tips to stay focused the next time you need to learn something new in business

Click To Tweet

Here are 12 tips to help you stay focused as you head off to learn new things:

Building awareness

  • Know your signs of overload — It may be feeling angry or overstimulated during or after your work or perhaps your mind goes a little numb and you head for Facebook and start reading unimportant – but funny – posts about hipster princesses.
  • Know your triggers to overload — Are you trying to multitask? Are you tired? Are you diving into google search before you’ve even really thought about the problem? Which behaviors do you see coming before you overload happens?
  • Know how you learn best — If you’re a visual learner but your main source of learning is a podcast you’re going to have trouble processing the information given. Maybe you need to take notes at the same time (whether listening or reading). Maybe you need to map out the problem with pen+paper before you can sit down at your computer.
  • Practice bookmarking or pinning potential resources — We’ve all been there – you’re looking at one post and the author is smart and has back-linked to a different post. It might be interesting but if it’s not actually related to the problem YOU are trying to solve, save it for later. No need to quick learn that information – it’s not going anywhere.
BONUS: GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND GET YOUR LEARNING DONE FASTER!

Know the problem

  • Get clear about the big question
  • Brainstorm a list of words / concepts related to that big question
  • Build a list of anchor concepts – the big principles that go beyond online business – to help you sort new information as it comes (useful or not?)
  • Break it into small chunks so you can search in smaller doses with more specific questions
  • Have a clear objective for each of those small dose searches

Pin these related posts for later:
4 steps to problem-solving like a pro
How to stop obsessing over social media

Assess for new understanding

  • Know your intended action (plan to act!) to hold yourself accountable
  • Stay present – checking each new piece of information against the problem / objective (have you solved it yet? Are you staying on task? Are things getting clearer or more confusing?)
  • Relate what you are learning to what you already know – use those anchor principals and your previous understanding to integrate new ideas into your schema. (Move from working memory to long term memory).

How this helps your focus problem

Overload tends to lead to being lost, stuck, or confused. And those are three words you do not want describing your work day. Those words lead to more awful words like procrastination. They lead to dwelling on the unimportant information and tasks that won’t move your business forward. They lead to premature decisions based on incomplete information because you just want to get it over with. You start telling yourself “Just do something!” yea?

Pin this related post for later:
4 mindsets killing your consistency

Following the tips above will help you stay focused on the bigger picture – and the actual problem – while wading into the world of google. They will help you start to systematize your problem-solving, which in turn helps you to stay on top of all the essential tasks of being an entrepreneur. There will always be problems and with a plan (and your free template!!) you can keep solving them like a boss while you wear all the hats / spin all the plates / keep all the balls in the air.

BONUS: GRAB MY PERSONAL RESEARCH PLANNING TEMPLATE AND GET YOUR LEARNING DONE FASTER!