Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Self Care

16 signs you’re nearing burnout

Does it sometimes feel like you have to hit bottom before you can really change? You can see the warning signs…the negative effects of overcommitting yourself are probably pretty predictable. But how do you take action now? (As opposed to when your body forces you to or when the next break gets here).

Burnout often happens in a cyclical fashion. With unsustainable habits it’s always just a matter of time before your tank dwindles down to empty again. But it’s difficult to make changes to those habits when it feels like you have to choose between having fun and sustainable energy.

 

Burn out can be difficult to recognize >> we've acclimated ourselves to a lower level of wellness. As if uncontrolled eating or constant overwhelm is the "normal" we must accept. Learn 16 signs you're habits are unsustainable PLUS 3 steps to start making changes. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

 

Hold up, do we really have to choose between FUN and WELL? Screw that. I think the choice lies elsewhere, in fact, I demand it lie elsewhere. We just might have to dig a little bit to find it.

Recognizing the patterns

The cool thing about habits is that they can be easy to spot. Trigger >> routine >> reward. It’s always the same pattern. And your patterns, though unique to you, are also easy to spot. You just have to be looking. I’ve compiled a list of common signs of burnout. These physical, mental, emotional, relational behaviors signal you’re reaching the breaking point where your system (being your life) can no longer withstand the stress of the environment. You’re a bridge just waiting to collapse.

Signs you’re approaching burnout (based on research + personal experience):

  1. Trouble sleeping / falling asleep
  2. Tension in back + shoulders
  3. Headaches
  4. Hard time waking up in the morning (even after a full night’s sleep)
  5. Lack of interest in normal activities
  6. Low energy
  7. Trouble focusing / easily distracted
  8. Trouble regulating behavior (outbursts, losing chunks of time to scrolling social media, unable to stop eating or turn off the tv)
  9. Reversion to “default” behaviors (previous transformations start to unravel)
  10. Easily overwhelmed
  11. Down / depressed mood
  12. Easily frustrated
  13. Prone to ruminating on interactions with others
  14. Crying more than usual
  15. Trouble identifying “why” you feel sad, angry, tired, etc.
  16. Pulling away from friends / family

And I’m certain I’ve missed some.

Now if you’re experiencing these “symptoms”, there is no need to panic. This is a diagnosis or anything like that. My hope is that by looking at this list you will see that some of the things you do that are just a “normal part of life” are actually signs that you aren’t handling the stress you’re under well.

See, it’s not a choice between “fun” and “well” – it’s the decision to raise the bar on what fun really is.

Take action

Don’t let this be something that becomes “oh that’s interesting” and on you go. Choose right now to set a higher standard for the “fun” you let in your life.

The greater the responsibility you have to perform at your best, the more resolute you must be in your standard for wellness. From your nutrition to your free time, the stuff you do needs to set you up for better performance. Your classroom, your clients, your patients – they need you operating at your capability. Which means they need you well, not the bare minimum of “functional.”

  1. Take time to write down your personal signs of declining wellness and what you currently do to cope with it — scrolling, tv, declining invites, dessert, hyper-cleaning or organizing, etc
  2. Choose one of your go-to habits for coping with stress and get curious about it. Every time you see yourself doing it or feeling the compulsion, ask yourself why that might be happening and observe does this actually make me feel how I want to feel? Am I really getting what I’m looking for?
  3. Develop a routine or ritual to go through when it’s been a long day – something that will help you feel the way you really want to feel. Read more about this step here.
Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science

Why change is a good thing

Do you ever find yourself teeter-tottering between wanting to change and wanting to be content with who you are? It’s a common dilemma – and one that requires a mindset shift in how you think about – and implement – change.

Without realizing it, we can make change impossible. Whether through fear of setting our expectations too high or holding too tightly to the expectations we’ve set. But change isn’t a magic trick. It won’t suddenly appear because you wish for it while living life the way you always have.

Today we’re going to dive in to three things that will help push you over the edge from kinda-sorta wanting life to be different >>> taking the action required to grow and thrive in your individual context.

 

Tired of failing in your efforts to change? Here are 3 important components that you need in order to see change happen in your life. Read more at http://alisanelson.co

 

 

What to do when you really want to change

There are a lot of barriers to change. Too many to even account for all of them. And on top of that, I keep seeing women around me add an additional obstacle where they fear the desire for change. As if it is a sign of ingratitude or the absence of grace.

Here’s the thing: we are always changing. Humans take over two decades to fully develop and neuroscientists are still uncovering the ways the brain can change and grow all throughout our lives. We also demonstrate through history that discontentment with the status quo is a beautiful part of our culture. It brought us through the dark ages and into this period of time when we can actually fathom the possibility of future generations living on Mars. Change – and the pursuit of change – open our eyes to awe and wonder at the world around us as we continue to uncover its mystery.

A desire for change is not a judgment of the present. At least it doesn’t have to be.

A mindful + connected approach to change allows us to stay attuned to our present circumstances and make decisions with greater intentionality. When you are aware of your present self, your relationships, your dreams for the future, you can approach change with clarity and courage.

 

Ok so how? Here are 3 essential components to change:

 

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First, let’s consider moving beyond “grace not perfection”

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Nikki Elledge Brown often says, “It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be shared.” And she is right. It’s why I chose to share the my first video a couple of weeks ago. It’s why I chose to tell people I would be posting the video before it was even ready. But there is a key point embedded in this phrase that we are going to pull out — the sharing doesn’t mean you never go back and consider how to improve. There’s an area of validity for sharing the stuff that turned out poorly…but it’s not black and white.

Ultimately, I shared the video I made a couple of weeks ago but chose not to share the one I made for this post. I enjoy making video and really want to keep doing it. But I know improvements need to be made — like in my systems and my technology — to accommodate my real life. The product for this video did not meet my standard – and I didn’t have time to reshoot.

Which way on the spectrum am I leaning then? Toward grace or toward perfection? I wouldn’t even use that scale. I would say I’m being intentional.

I often get into conversations with women who have been knocked down and have chosen to just roll in the mud. Taking knocks is a fact of life – and we can even end up having fun with it – but choosing to spend all our time on the ground because we’re “embracing” the mud is…not going to get you to the change you want. And will probably make you want to sling mud at others who have managed (for the moment) to stay clean.

At some point you have to look at the mess on your clothes and decide to wash up so you can get back to work. This is much easier to do when we expect things to be imperfect and also expect ourselves to get back up and attack the problem.

If you simply label something as “giving grace” or “perfectionism” then you add a big emotional cloud to the situation. Now you don’t know how to take action because you’re afraid of being a perfectionist but you also have a deep longing for change. By scrapping the “grace not perfection” frame of thinking we enable ourselves instead to set a standard of performance that fits our current capability.

This standard is specific to the person – because it takes into consideration their real life and their personal aspirations. If you want to make drastic changes and you’re willing to do the work, it will look like perfectionism to some. When I was a personal trainer I considered doing bodybuilding competitions – but as I familiarized myself with what it would take to get to the level I wanted, I realized that I wasn’t willing to pay that price.

On the opposite side, if chose to pursue bodybuilding competitions, then I would have to let go of some things in order to balance it out. By decreasing the standard of performance in another area, I release myself from the emotional / mental burden of overcommitment and excessive expectation.

How can you put this into action?

  1. Assess your current state and the non-negotiables in your life (you can’t abandon your kids to achieve a goal, right?)

  2. Manifest your expectations – you can’t set a standard if the goal is invisible

  3. Assess the cost – like nitty gritty what will it take and is that within reason for you…what will you have to let go of?

These steps allow you intentionally set a goal for change. Passive goals that heap guilt without the clarity of action steps for success won’t get you anywhere – except maybe further away from where you want to be. The more clarity you have on what your life can handle now – what actions, what sacrifices, etc. – the better you will get at setting goals. You can set a unicorn goal for the year — but it needs to be accompanied by smaller, appropriate action steps and clear indicators of success. Which leads to the next big idea.

 

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Second, don’t be afraid of assessment

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Assessment is often a dirty word. Especially when things like body image or performance are involved. But assessment does not mean judgment of you as a person. It’s actually not emotional at all. It’s a gathering of relevant data in order to see how you’re doing.

I’ve seen assessment free people (including myself) from self-judgment.

The way to know you’re moving toward your goal is to measure something. Take your end goal, work backwards, and you can identify the important checkpoints along the way.

It is best if these milestones are behavior-based. Which is why I think the best “goals” are actually the development of skills.

For example, maybe you want to eat healthier. You might think setting a goal for your weight or number of days eating at home is what you need but I would say what you actually need is the skill of identifying nutrient-dense foods and preparing them in a way you enjoy them. If you feel confident in yourself and enjoy the process, you’re going to change your habits. And it will happen in a more subtle way that makes it easier to sustain.

Smaller skills associated with cooking nutrient-dense food (this is a brain dump, not in any given order):

  • sourcing + buying fresh produce that fits your budget
  • rapid + precise chopping of vegetables
  • accurate timing in cooking of various meal components
  • effective seasoning
  • consistency in prep / cooking of meat
  • etc.

Do you see what this does? It takes the focus off of the stuff you can’t control and on to the skills themselves. Do you know what gaining skills like this can do? Help you enjoy the process of change. Personally, I recently hit a new level of pot roast. I improved the timing and the seasoning and seriously, it’s the meal I wish would never end.

It can feel tortuous to try and try to lose weight or reach a promotion. But when you avert your gaze to the stuff that will actually get you to the goal and give your attention to developing yourself, you gain a presence of mind that will yield so many more rewards than a smaller size (and if you apply good nutrition principles, you’ll probably get that too – assuming that is the healthy change).

 

How can you put this into action?

  1. Write down one of your current goals

  2. Rewrite it into a tangible + skill-based development

  3. Identify 3-5 checkpoints along the way that would indicate you are headed toward your goal

  4. Break those into smaller actions steps if needed + schedule them.

 

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Third, regularly “look up” to where you’re headed

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I’ve said it a lot throughout my blog already – you need to be aware of where you are actually headed. Not just in words but how will your life actually look and feel when you’ve reached your goal. It’s unbelievably easy to get sucked into someone else’s goal when you have a yearning for change but haven’t taken the time to define a tangible outcome.

One way you can cultivate this awareness of where you are going is through visualization. Youtube has a ton of guided visualizations that you can follow to gain a mental image of the person you want to become (just search “future self visualization”).

When you have a mental model of your future self, you can use it to make decisions

Take the example of my video. When I consider who I want to be – and what I want to be doing – in the next year or few years, I know that I need to move beyond curated sentences and into more live scenarios. So I’m choosing to start practicing now. How else will I become the woman I visualize but through doing the work here in the present when the opportunity presents itself?

 

Cuing yourself throughout the day to look at your bigger picture will help you stay focused on a day-by-day basis

The daily fires that we must put out do a really good job of keeping us distracted and stagnate. If you truly want to move forward in your life you must make the effort to pick up your head and make sure you’re still headed in the right direction. This includes making time for assessment – regularly checking in on your data in order to ensure you’re seeing the progress you want.

Build this cue into your morning and evening routines. Where you consider the destination you are pursuing before you jump into the day and before you wrap it up at night.

This practice also helps to tie your present struggles with a future reward. Present me is happy I put in the work the past 5 years in my own wellness journey. And I could say the same about my marriage, my relationship to my kids, my clarity in my professional goals, etc. All still a work in progress but all started because at some point I chose to do the work instead of just dream about waking up one day to a different life.

When we’re experiencing stress due to a problem our biochemistry can work to help us dig deep for focus and courage when we tie that obstacle to a deep desire. You have it in you, you just need to practice calling it out.

 

How can you put this into action?

  1. Visualize the person you want to become – go to Youtube or I also like this interview with Danielle LaPorte

  2. Identify 1 or 2 defining characteristics and break those down into skills, behaviors, and action steps like we did above.

  3. Set a reminder on your phone to tune back in to that vision and your current steps.

A note here: Don’t be afraid to develop skills that don’t feel snazzy or monumental. Working on your inner life and training yourself to focus better or be more present in your relationships doesn’t feel like a big return in terms of $$$ but they mean so much for your wellbeing AND create a foundation from which you can continue to grow personally. Most likely you are tuning into the stuff that’s really going to help you stay satisfied + connected in your real life. That’s something worth fighting for.

You next steps:

Leave a comment below and tell me 1 insight you’ve had from this post.

Categories
Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids Self Care

How to transition from work to home

Life doesn’t stop just because you chose to pursue wellness. In fact, trying to maintain momentum during the busier times of life can often feel like the hardest part, right? Your wellness journey does not exist in a vacuum where you have ample energy, time, and resources to devote to your goal. Instead, you have to apply strategies to ensure that even on the longest days you aren’t defaulting back to where you began.

One such strategy is to focus your efforts on the places that will do the most work. You could heave a giant boulder by pushing on it with all your might or you could use a pole and apply leverage. Which would you rather do after a long day?

 

Are you tired of setting goals only to abandon them after a long day or a long week? It doesn't have to happen like that. Read on for strategies to help you transition from work to home PLUS a free guide containing 8 steps to RECLAIMING your evening after a long day. Read more: http://alisanelson.co

 

My guess is you’d prefer to use leverage. And today we’re going to talk about a huge way you can leverage your efforts for more effective action even in the midst of a full season. Because here’s the thing: If you wait until life “slows down” then you will likely never actually give your wellness the attention it needs…and you will end up on the burnout cycle over and over again.

Transitions provide space for escaping survival mode

As a mom I have learned the importance of transitions – of helping my kids move from good morning snuggles to breakfast to getting ready to leave the house, etc. When I apply my energy to helping them transition I am helping them move on to the next portion of our day with purpose rather than an aimless wandering.

I have to do the same for myself too. Without attention to the transition between putting the kids to bed and the rest of my evening, I end up scrolling on my phone instead of reading the book I was planning on.

Routine comes in handy during transitions.

As a routine becomes a habit it becomes automatic. My brain comes to expect it so I can skip over the “what should I do now?” and go right into my routine. All the actions that form my routine are grouped together – so instead of needing the willpower to do each individual thing, I complete a series of tasks.

For instance, a routine you might already have is to check social media when you wake up. You don’t have to tell yourself to go from Instagram to Facebook to Twitter to Email. You follow the steps automatically.

What if we used that to help you set a higher standard for your wellness on a day-to-day basis?

The evening transition from work to home is a very important transition. If you work all day it is likely the only time you have to do things outside of your job. But how often does a long day lead to eating whatever is easy in the fridge, skipping the workout you intended, and sitting on the couch the rest of the evening?

I know. Happens to me too.

In fact it’s one of the phrases I hear tossed around the most whether online or in person. It’s hard to do more than stare at the wall or binge watch Netflix.

Honestly? It’s so common we turn it into a verb and make jokes about it.

Heck, it’s so common Hulu uses it in its advertising! And we just smile + nod, “yes I do need Hulu Plus so I can binge watch tv instead of doing something valuable with my time.”

To be clear, “valuable” is not working overtime on your couch. I actually mean carving out real time to do the things you say you want to do – like learning a new song on the guitar or coloring in one of those books you bought 6 months ago or finally having that girls night. Those activities are highly valuable for rejuvenating your mind and spirit. They serve to help you become the person you wish you were.

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So how, then, do you transition from work to evening?

An effective transition routine is going to involve attention to three parts: your body, your mind, and your connections.

Let’s dig deeper:

How to help your body transition

Give your brain time to catch up – by zoning out.

All throughout the day you were taking in new information and your brain was trying to process it. This includes how events or people made you feel and your personal thoughts on a new project or team member. At the end of the work day, your brain needs to catch up. The tendency however, is to fill space with a screen of some kind. This ramps up the stimulation – overloading the brain. You need to stare out the window or walk in circles around your yard – just don’t try to direct your thoughts anywhere. No meditating or focus. Just let your mind go. (this takes practice).

Respond to physical needs: hydration, nutrient-dense foods, and restorative movement.

Drinking water and eating a good meal – whether it’s a snack right when you get home or if you go right into dinner preparations – will revive your body. The lull you feel after work might seem like it requires a boost of caffeine or sugar but between letting your brain catch up and nourishing your body, you will experience a revival. Note: if you don’t, you actually might need a power nap.

Restorative movement includes things like yoga, stretching, or a walk around the neighborhood. After a day of sitting it’s important to bring alignment back to your body and increase blood flow.

Finally, you might opt for a harder form of exercise

Rigorous movement can serve an important purpose in expelling pent up emotion and stress. Rather than wasting energy mulling over workplace drama or social media posts do some sprints, a quick kettlebell routine, or hit a punching bag. Trust my experience – it feels amazing. And you’ll walk into your evening feelings more powerful and alert.

How to help your mind transition

A mental download can help you clear the slate from the day’s problems or worries.

Perhaps after zoning out you realize you have a conflict you need to think through, verbal or written processing can help you determine a course of action and move on.

Schedule (or eliminate) tasks that didn’t get accomplished today.

Don’t let unfinished work hang over your head. It can lead to numbing behaviors or agitation toward others if it is allowed to go unchecked. Let this time also serve to redirect your focus. Is the task relevant to your priorities? Can it be saved for later? Can it be passed off? Why do you keep avoiding it? Can it be broken down into more actionable steps? Sorting through your list can save you time and energy later.

Finally, write down your plan for tomorrow

Include any preset appointments, the big tasks you need to get done, and any self-care you plan to do (exercise, time with friends, etc). This is a must-do item. Having a plan for tomorrow is a major way you can keep the stress of today from carrying over into the morning.

How to build connections

Re-establishing a connection with your own purpose and your important relationships is essential to recovering from stress. You are free to make decisions and spend your time in a way that aligns with who you really are and who you want to be when you are connected.

  1. Do a short check-in with yourself
  2. Celebrate the ways you stayed on track or moved forward in your goals
  3. Spend time doing creative expression – color, cook, read a favorite book, write for fun
  4. Remind yourself that you aren’t alone by reaching out to a friend.This is more than fishing for encouraging words or compliments, it’s an opportunity to get a new perspective. It’s valuable to pick your head up and see what’s going on outside of your own life – beyond what someone chose to publish on Facebook for the day.
  5. Encourage someone else.Whether you write a note, send a text, or make a phone call, choose to be what you want others to be for you. Refuse to isolate yourself from the burdens of others and instead remind them that YOU are there for THEM. Because we’re all in this together.

Making this YOURS involves experimentation.

No need to try to do everything at once (or ever), as you get to know your own needs you will start to see what is most valuable in helping you transition from a long day at work to an intentional evening. The most important piece is that you refuse to accept a dud evening as normal. Might still happen occasionally (I recommend going to bed early then) but you can still raise your baseline. This isn’t a step away from grace for yourself after a long day, it actually shows greater self-love when you refuse to let the stress of today carry over into tomorrow.

What to do next:

Click the image below to get this blog post in step-by-step format. You’ll also be signed up for the Lab Notes Community where we do things a little differently. I’m not going to fill your inbox with fluff – we’re going to work together to move you toward your goals and shift you into action. Click below and get your first taste of survival mode freedom.

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Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior

5 steps to staying consistent in your goals

Raise your hand if you wish you could wake up tomorrow and have already conquered those dreams you have. Maybe you’re hoping to make 2017 your year of health. Or maybe you’re in the process of pursuing a career in the field that lights you up.

Here at alisanelson.co I talk a lot about the value of self-awareness – but a mega-downside of being aware of where you are and where you want to go is the discomfort you experience when it takes a long time to reach the other side. That saying “ignorance is bliss” is not a joke. No matter where you are on your journey the gap always feels too big, right?

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Walking the talk

Publishing video on my website has been on my mind for a long time and what better time than when I get to talk about being on the path toward growth. The mind finds ways around trying new things because that involves uncertainty.

Even as I’ve prepared to publish this post it’s been a test of how much do I really believe the stuff I say – am I actually willing to put something up that isn’t polished yet? Am I willing to come out from behind my writing and show that there’s a real person here trying to grow skills alongside everyone else?

So I’ve followed the five steps I’m sharing in today’s video.

 

 

Growth requires tension

If you want to step into 2017 with greater confidence in your capability to follow through and see success, then this video is for you. Remember how I said it’s important at the start of any journey to remember that you are an organism? A machine can go from scraps to completion in a matter of days. Hours, even.

But not you.

If you want to truly become something different than you are now – not a simple filter or outward image to portray but bone-marrow-deep real change, then you must master staying with something even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when it means showing someone your unpolished, just-starting-out self.

 

Today’s video is just under 8 minutes and even includes an unpolished “don’t hit mommy” moment. Because real human life, ya’ll. And to help you start putting it into your own context, I made an action book for you. And it’s even editable so you can get started right away if you’re about ready to jump ship on your dreams for change. No email required, just click the button and start writing.

CLICK HERE TO GRAB YOUR ACTION BOOK NOW

 

Here’s the big idea

Consistent movement toward a goal requires little steps along the way that prime your brain to focus in on the target. Rewards feel good and by racking up small wins you can teach your brain that growth actually feels good. Making it less of an obstacle and more of a lifestyle.

With each of the 5 steps I mention in the video you are putting your energy where it matters most – getting your brain on board with living life a new way. By answering your built-in need for human connection, predictability, and long-term benefit you set yourself up for success during that in-between time that feels so uncomfortable. Now you’re free to fully engage in the process of living your life and growing because you have taken the steps to normalize it.

 

Now it’s your turn

In the comments below I want you to tell me which step is the most difficult for you right now. I’d love to help you start to bust through those blocks so you can keep on the path to growth. If you’d rather talk privately, send me an email (alisa@alisanelson.co). I’d love to talk over email or jump on a Skype call and talk face-to-face. Seriously. No sales pitch, just two humans strategizing on how you can take a step forward.

CLICK HERE TO GRAB YOUR ACTION BOOK NOW
Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Raising Capable Kids

How to connect with strangers for better cooperation

Human connection can best be described as the love, belonging, and empathy that exists between two people or a group of people. It’s interesting actually because we categorize these to the spiritual realm – in the Church we call it “community” – but it is also observable by scientists. Special parts of our brains light up and synchronize with the people we are “in community” with. We connect and resonate.

 

That connection paves a way for cooperation AND it meets a deep human need for social living. When we have genuine connection, the brain is free to focus on solving problems and growing new skills. But without it, we suffer the consequences of survival state.

 

We often hear how connection takes time. Building trust in a relationship where both parties feel seen + loved is hard to come by in short bursts.

 

For those who spend the majority of their time serving people they will only meet occasionally – but require cooperation — the question becomes, how do you experience that connection described above with a stranger? Today I hope to give you an effective way forward.
Human connection is an essential element to achieving a collective goal AND overall wellness. Your brain craves it. But what if you spend most of your time with strangers? Read on for strategies. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

But first, why do we really care about human connection?

 

The biggest reason is because we are wired for it. Social connection is a basic need – demonstrated by a newborn baby. Even with an immature brain the social centers are active helping them form attachment to their parents and training them to cry when that attachment feels absent. And we know it carries on into adulthood – just ask any mother about her compulsion to pick up her crying babe.

 

The mammalian brain has adapted in order to increase its probability of survival. And in the words of social psychologist Dr. Matthew Lieberman, the brain bet on our being social. We even have a warning system that goes off when we experience social isolation or rejection. The neurotransmitter serotonin is used by the brain to motivate us to take action when it senses a loss in social status or connection. The hormone oxytocin pushes us to seek social support during times of stress.

 

What does connection do for us?

 

Let me tell you a secret about me. Ok, it’s probably not really a secret because if we met you’d see it right away. I’m a nervous-laugher. And it can get really bad. From people talking to me about my kids in the grocery checkout to meeting a new person at church, I have a hard time keeping myself from just filling the void with my nervous laugh. I blame it on my Relator strength. It gives me a strong desire to empathize…but doesn’t necessarily mean I’m very good at it.

 

I think I laugh for a couple of reasons. The first is that giggling releases endorphins – I can only assume my brain picked up the habit at some point and the release feels good, so it stuck around. The second reason is that laughter is a way to build connections with people. When someone is saying silly things to my kids (that they don’t understand), my laughter shows them that I don’t consider them a threat. I may not know what to say but I recognize they mean no harm and they can walk away enjoying my kids’ smiles instead of my scowling or confused face.

 

This is the same reason I laugh at my daughter’s jokes. She’s gotten pretty good at telling them but also, I want to respond in a way that shows her there is space for her to be silly. She belongs here. She is loved and seen.

 

When she feels that deep sense of belonging she can focus better. She is more cooperative. She is kinder to her brother. She asks for help to solve problems as if we’re a team.

 

In people-focused work, you need all these things too. You need engaged and connected people. Whether they are kids or adults. But how do you do that if you only see them for a few minutes? Or only once every week / month / year?

 

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First — Recognize that most people are stressed out

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Most people are stressed about something. Whether it is directly related to you or not, you can expect they have other things on their minds + hearts. Stress acts to bring our attention inward – as we become hyperfocused on our own pain. This disconnects us from our environment and the people around us.

 

What’s more, feeling alone in an unfamiliar place brings uncertainty. Making them feel vulnerable. What’s our reaction to vulnerability (in most cases)? Pull in even more. Control, deflect, numb.

 

When you approach a person who feels distant, unkind, or selfish the best starting point for making connection is to let all that go. If you respond accordingly, you will further alienate the person, and you’ll walk away feeling pretty crappy as well. But internally recognizing that this person has a story that you don’t yet know opens you up to be curious and kind.

 

This also tells your own stress system (the one getting fidgety over this person who seems to be rejecting you) that you don’t need to feel threatened. That you have what it takes to overcome this obstacle. In turn your brain will focus its energy on solving the problem rather than on your own controlling, deflecting, and numbing habits.

 

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Second —  Make genuine small talk

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Cue eye roll. I know “small talk” is commonly put down. Especially by those of us who want a reputation of being all deep and stuff. I’m talking about me, ya’ll. Working on it. But small talk is a powerful tool in the pursuit of human connection.

 

Questions like “how was your weekend” and “how’s your family” can be ok entry points. But when you ask a person a question about their day or their lives it needs to be accompanied by nonverbal signals that you actually intend to listen.

 

We all know what it’s like – the friend who says “how are you?!” as they blow right past you with no intention to hear your answer. Versus the friend who asks the very same question but we sense intuitively that they are present + focused on your reply.

 

You can be that person. Even to strangers.

 

When I worked at Starbucks I was surrounded by seasoned baristas. And it was instantly clear who the store favorites were. They were the men and women who made an effort to look at customers, remember names, and ask follow up questions about yesterday’s interview. Customers lingered at the bar, celebrated our birthdays with us, asked for pictures of our kids, told us stories about theirs, and we bought their girl scout cookies. One even gave my husband’s new business a shout out when he launched a kickstarter campaign.

 

All because when we asked “what’s going on today?” — and they answered — we listened and asked more questions. 

 

My favorites were the quiet ones. I tried hard to not be intrusive but wanted them especially to know that even they are seen. They don’t need to be loud or share their life story, but I see them, they belong here too, and we are so grateful for their presence.

 

You know what also happened at that store? We’d serve well over 100 customers in a couple of hours. So I’m not talking about a handful of regulars that would sit around and chat politics. I’m talking dozens that we would interact with for maybe two minutes from the time they ordered a drink to when they left.

 

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Third — Help them into the present moment

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We mostly operate on habits. It is energy-saving for the brain. Then, in new situations, we depend on previously established models for how to interact and behave. Mental models composite themselves whether we are aware of it or not.

 

The formation of mental models is incredibly important. They help us survive and decrease the burden of our environment as information is compressed into one big image rather than many discrete parts. The downside is we stop engaging in the way we think about our environment – and therefore how we feel about it. We stop considering how our mental model might need some updating.

 

When a stressed out person approaches you, it is very likely that they are interacting based on habit. This means that while they talk to you, answer your questions, and complete the necessary tasks they are not really interacting with YOU. They are interacting with the “you” of their mental model. That could be based on a person they met years ago or an experience they can’t even remember triggered by the way you greeted them. The brain is crazy, right?

 

So you have the opportunity now with this information to alter your approach. Invite them out of autopilot. The small talk you use, the environment of your office, the way you make eye contact – these can help to coax a person into the present moment.

 

Of course you can’t force a person to be present. But you can set the tone by being present yourself. Talking to yourself about what you see, getting curious about another person’s world, simulating in your mind what their life might be like. These are all actions that the brain is actually really good at but like any muscle it must be used to become prominent.

 

When you are present you become naturally more empathic because your brain is tuning in to the immediate environment rather than functioning off of old scripts and habits. With empathy we get connection.

 

And with connection we get cooperation and a better sense of wellbeing for all.

 

You can make this a new habit for yourself. Cuing yourself every time you hear the door open or when go refill your water bottle (or coffee cup) consider one of these prompts:

  • take note of how you are feeling
  • remind yourself why you are doing this work.
  • Look for something right this second that you genuinely appreciate.
  • Connect your current work day with your future goals as a necessary piece in your personal story.
  • Think of your biggest supporters.

 

Each of these can act to pull you back into the present moment and ground you in the midst of stress. These are also associated with our basic need for social standing and support. In turn they can stimulate the release of neurotransmitters that will help you respond better to stress and give you a rush of good feelings (making presence of mind feel good).

 

Action steps:

Self-awareness:

  • Consider your own experiences – where have you felt welcomed, seen, understood? How has that affected your behavior and emotional outlook?
  • What is your current behavior like at work? How do you greet people? What is the usual result?
  • Have you seen an instance where the way you approached a person seemed to bring them out of their shell? What did you do?
  • How do you currently think about the people you interact with at work or around town? Start noticing the thoughts you have first and how those thoughts impact your openness to them.

    Related post: 5 benefits of self-awareness

 

Small talk:

  • Challenge yourself in the small talk department – start to ask follow up questions and make eye contact.
  • Put more thought into your comments + questions — weather and the weekend tend to be favorites but is there something else you can ask that will get more than an “oh yea I like the fall colors too”?

    Related post: 3 things you should know when you work with people

 

Staying present:

Wrapping up —

It doesn’t take much to help a person move beyond uncertainty + isolation —–> connection + cooperation.

It’s important to keep your efforts focused on what you can control – and that’s your own state of mind. Remembering that people are naturally preoccupied by other stuff, being intentional with your small talk, and keeping your brain awake so you can respond appropriately to the moment will help you gain trust even in only a few minutes time.

 

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Neurobiology and Behavior Self Care

Surviving as an introvert: 4 strategies to keep you connected

When you work in a people-focused environment it becomes essential to know where you land on the introvert-extrovert scale. Not because one is better than the other but because the underlying physiology associated with these traits can help you both understand your behavior + take effective action.

 

Spending a lot of time in large groups of people is going to look and feel different depending on where you are on the I/E scale. This is so much more than a label. This is your brain chemistry manifesting in your behavior. Each have their strengths. What’s more important is that you use who you are to your advantage.

 

As a mom, coming to a new level of understanding about how my brain works has been fundamental in helping me overcome anger issues + apathy toward problems that arise. It has helped me get in rhythm with my body so that I can effectively take action and recharge. It has also made it a lot easier to break up with some numbing tactics because I know what will actually help me recover.

 

Remember when I talked about self-care being whatever you have to do in order to keep going? This is one of those things.

 

Are you an introvert that is constantly around people? Do you feel like all you can do at the end of a long week is stare at a wall? Staying connected is essential to serving people well - not to mention your own wellbeing. Read this post for 4 strategies to staying connected without frying your circuits week after week. More at http://alisanelson.co

 

If you’re not convinced yet that this is something you need to know about yourself, then ask yourself if you wish you were happier, more consistent, or had more willpower. What I’m about to talk about will get you on that path too.

(If you’re short on time, scroll to the bottom for the summary)

This week we’re hitting on how to help introverts stay engaged + connected in a people-filled environment. In a few weeks we will circle back and talk about the extrovert side of the spectrum because everyone has obstacles to staying engaged and understanding the brain’s role can help us take effective action. If you’re more extroverted, send this to all your introverted friends and stick around because we’ll get to you. I promise.

 

Ok, I have A LOT to talk about today. So enough intro – let’s dive in.

What it means to be an introvert

I’ve taken a myers-briggs test probably at least half a dozen times. And every time I come out being called an extrovert. And it’s just not true ya’ll. Perhaps you’ve heard of the word “ambivert” where you’re a nice little half-blood but let’s get more descriptive than that. If you find yourself easily fatigued by large crowds or needy children but you also would occasionally choose to meet a close group of friends at a loud restaurant without a second thought than you are probably an extroverted introvert. Meaning you are on the introvert side of the spectrum but can also a bit extroverted in limited capacities.

 

If you’ve regularly felt in-conflict with what these tests tell you about yourself here’s a little disclaimer: you probably are answering based on who you think you should be. Often it is so ingrained that our automatic response can even be misaligned with our actual physiology. And with that beautiful word, let’s start talking about the major chemical difference between an introvert and an extrovert.

 

The biggest difference is a pretty simple one, really. An introvert has a greater sensitivity to dopamine.

 

Dopamine is released in the brain under a variety of circumstances, one of them being new environments. It plays a role in learning + memory. Therefore when you encounter new stimuli to be sorted and interpreted, dopamine floods the brain. Introverts require very little stimulation for dopamine to be released and to reach saturation. In contrast, extroverts require greater stimulation for dopamine to reach saturation.

 

In other words: an introvert requires less input to reach the desired happy, creative, and thoughtful state.

 

Knowing this we can identify the real reason introverts struggle to engage in a large crowd. Shyness is not the answer – overstimulation is. From a quiet corner a person can help their brain sort through the new information a little bit at a time and determine the best mode of entry into the fray. A new place with new faces, smells, sounds, etc. is often too much for an introvert to sort through on the spot – especially since that environment is also going to bring on a slew of internal reactions like self-talk, anxiety, increased heart rate, etc.

 

We use these internal processes – like releasing dopamine in a new environment – to get a lay of the land mentally. We modify our mental models, identify key players in the room, strategize our approach, integrate and transfer ideas, and develop appropriate responses as we integrate our feelings with all the other information.

 

However, all of the input make it difficult for an introvert to truly listen and thoughtfully respond to the people. Instead they will depend upon previously established mental models for interpreting what’s happening – requiring them to stick to preconceived scripts and ideas.

 

Overstimulation: an obstacle to high performance

Maybe you can cope well enough in a social environment. Keeping conversation light + playful can be nice. But when it comes to a work environment, you need to be able to function at a higher level, right? Not just to meet expectations but for your personal satisfaction!

 

Overstimulation impedes a person’s abilities to regulate their behavior (getting out of reaction mode), make decisions, focus on the task at hand, determine prioritization, communicate effectively, find + implement creative solutions, etc. Basically, anything that requires you to take in the immediate environment and rapidly turn out an effective response.

 

When I was a new mom I heard all the time how important it was to have a routine for the child’s sake. I love child development and they are right on – for kids, everything is new. And that means they are prone to overstimulation. Just like me. Their capacities are lower than an introverted adult – I can eat a cookie before bed and not go berserk – but they need an environment that takes their developing brains into consideration.

 

Similarly you need to set yourself up for success, taking YOUR brain into consideration. On any given day there is so much that is outside of our control, but this? This is on you. We have a phrase in our house, “make it easy.” And that’s what you have to do here. Easy doesn’t mean it’ll come naturally or feel effortless. It means that you will apply force in the necessary areas to see productive results.

 

So shall we dive in to where you should apply that force? YAY!

 

BUT FIRST: we’re already at 1000 words here so if you need to take a break and digest how this new information on introversion affects your life, please do it now. Bookmark or pin this post and come back when you’re ready to implement. Let this be your first action step → don’t force yourself to take in more than your brain can handle. We don’t want this to be yet another thing that just sits in your brain because it was too much too fast.

 

Ok, here’s how you can start to take back control:

 

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Strategy #1: Get yourself some self-awareness

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If I sound like a broken record I promise it’s not just because I’m merely fixated on self-awareness. It really is the first step to changing any behavior.

 

Self-awareness involves two areas: Where you are and where you want to go. You don’t know if you have enough gas in your car until you check. And you don’t know if it’s enough unless you know how far you need to go. Ya with me?

 

Some prompts to journal through:

  • What does it look like for you to be overwhelmed / overstimulated? Do you get snippy? Anxious? Start puttering around without getting anything done? Go into autopilot? Feel like you need to crawl out of your skin? Just me?
  • What kinds of situations push you over the edge? Is it correlated to a time of day?
  • What, if any, actions seem to help you stay below that threshold?
  • How do you typically respond to overstimulation? Are you reaching for your phone more? Thinking about what you’ll watch on Netflix tonight? Daydreaming?
  • What signs seem to act as a warning bell that the threshold is approaching? Is it inappropriate to lock my kids outside and start making dinner at 3pm?

 

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Strategy #2: Be selective about your spontaneity

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Sounds super cool, right?

 

I used to tell myself that I couldn’t be a planner. As soon as I would set a schedule or routine for myself or for my kids, I would feel stifled and never do it. You know what came with that? No energy to talk to my husband. And very few “fun-mom” moments. This isn’t a judgment on me – or anyone else, obviously we don’t judge herebut aligning with my strengths requires that I limit the space left for spontaneity. Like if I’m “spontaneously” deciding on what we’re doing for the day as it unfolds, I’m instantly decreasing my ability to roll with whatever antics my kids think up. My physiology struggles to have both.

 

Nothing stifles fun mom faster than realizing I don’t know what’s for dinner at 5pm.

 

BUT you know what I can do? I can take 5-10 minutes the night before (and a little longer on Sunday) to map out our day.

 

It is pretty literally the worst to get to dinner time and have no energy to do anything but throw children in bed and zone out on the computer. In days gone by I would very passive aggressively make it obvious to my husband that I was not interested in talking to him and heaven forbid he attempt any physical contact. My fried brain was is fight mode and it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

If you want to be able to stay engaged throughout your work + have energy leftover to really connect with the important people in your life, you have to be more selective in your spontaneity. Own that brain chemistry, girl. 

Here’s where your mental image for who you want to be comes into play: do you want to be a person who has to zone out every night? Or do you want to be able to meet friends for a drink or take your kids on a spontaneous picnic? If it’s the latter, than you need to put in the effort to streamline your daily decisions.

 

ACTION STEP:

  • Consider what you wish you had more energy for – Playing with your kids? Weekly dinner with friends? Space to devote to a hobby you’ve let fall aside? Time with your husband that is beyond netflix + ice cream?
  • Now think about your day – where does it feel like you’re expending more energy than should be necessary? What feels especially draining?
  • What could you do to make that area / event more predictable?

 

Here’s another good place to stop. Take action on these first two steps before adding more to your plate, k? We’ll wait.

 

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Strategy #3: Honor your body’s rhythms + take a time out

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There is SO MUCH MORE science to tell you about, guys. But I’ll refrain and save it for another post.

 

The big idea here is that you are an organism. Not a machine. Your body functions in a rhythm, requiring input + output for a wholehearted life. You, my dear friend, are one of those amazing people who literally can’t help helping. It’s just a part of your life. It makes you who you are. But that does not mean you are an exception to the rule: your body, mind, and spirit need nourishment if you want to keep on doing this thing called life.

 

Sleep is one way our bodies take a time out to refresh. Your brain and the rest of your tissues are working all through the night to repair cells, get rid of toxins, refresh its stores, etc. So sleep is hugely important. And more than that – our brains need a chill-out time throughout the day too. Ok maybe I told you a little more science.

 

As introverted folk, we need to honor that during-the-day rhythm. Remember up above when I asked you some questions to build your self-awareness? Well, here’s where that info is useful! There are going to be times during the day when we feel a lull happening. The lull is your brain saying, “Cool it! Let me catch up, por favor!” We’re taking in information all the time and giving your brain a few minutes (with 15-20 being optimal) to play catch up, you will be able to better maintain energy levels throughout the day. Which mean you’ll be better able to stay engaged with the people around you instead of just wishing everyone would shut up.

 

<mini-rant>

Social media scrolling is NOT allowed during these mental breaks. I was gonna be all “not the best choice” but this is too true and too important to play PC.

 

Social media:

  • shortens your attention span,
  • triggers dopamine surges that are more like a sugar rush, desensitizing you to real connection + real information
  • makes you think you’ve connected with people when you haven’t
  • is MORE stimulation for your brain to sort through
  • introduces common triggers to stress / anxiety / comparison / etc
  • is full of people telling you who you should be / what you should be doing

 

Don’t do that to yourself. It’s fun, obviously. But pick a time during the day when you are going to intentionally engage in that and don’t let it be your “I’m tired so let me just scroll” as if that’s productive or helping you unwind. Trust me, it’s not.

</rant>

 

ACTION STEP:

  • Think about your usual day, find a moment around midmorning and midafternoon where you can take a 10-20 minute breather. Even if you can only start with 3 minutes, do it.
  • Set your phone alarm to remind you.
  • Follow through and take a few minutes to let your mind release. Take some deep breaths but don’t try to focus on anything (or nothing). No effort here.
  • Do this for a week – make notes about any differences you experience.

 

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Strategy #4: Establish personal rituals

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Your brain wants to run on habits. It is more energy efficient. Daily rituals allow your brain to chunk certain activities and tie them to cues + rewards – making it easier to build the habit AND incorporating natural motivation because rewards involve happy chemical release (which your brain like really, really loves).

 

Again, this section can (and probably will) be its own separate post and as we near the 3,000 word mark let’s keep the action here simple + tied in to the above action steps. You need a nightly routine for mapping out the next day + closing down this one.

 

What do you get out of a nighttime routine? Your brain gets cued up that sleep is coming. That alters your brain chemistry, making it easier to fall asleep. Making your plan for the next day gives you the chance to reflect on the day, realign with your priorities, and head into the next day giving your focus to people instead of to tasks. And finally, you get the opportunity to purposely close out the day. Rather than suddenly realizing it’s 10pm and you haven’t set the coffee pot, cleaned up dinner, or read that book you’d intended to start, you can rhythmically move through your evening into the things that fill you up for another day.

 

Imagine it: going to bed full instead of feeling guilty, rushed, or scattered.

 

You guys, I’ve tasted and seen. It is so, so good to end the day feeling grateful + connected to what is most important to you.

 

ACTION STEP:

  • What’s your current night routine like? What do you like about it? What do you wish you were doing differently?
  • Start with the time you want to be in bed and work backwards, how will you spend your evening? What time do you need to close your computer or turn off the tv?
  • Give yourself 5-10 minutes to plot out your next day as you close down the kitchen or before you watch a show.
  • Pick 1 or 2 (short) things that you can do just before getting into bed that will help you transition your mind from activity to rest + align you with what is most important to you. Might be listening to music or a Bible app while you wash your face + get into pajamas. Maybe it’s journaling or writing a letter to a friend. Whatever it is, turn the lights low, be present, be grateful, and ease yourself into sleep.
  • Download Insight Timer (free) for sleep meditations if you have trouble falling asleep. I have a couple of favorites (Yoga Nidras) that I have yet to hear the end of, even when it still feels like my mind is buzzing as I get into bed. I also like to set the sleep timer on Pandora to soft instrumentals (ok so really they are epic soundtracks).

 

Wrap up (read: a reminder why any of this matters)

  • Introverts have a lower tolerance for stimulation.

  • Stimulation is any + all incoming information to the brain from sensory experience to internal dialogue to feelings to verbal + non-verbal cues from people.

  • In an overstimulated state you will struggle to make decisions, come up with creative solutions, regulate your behavior / emotions, maintain focus on the important stuff, perform necessary tasks effectively, etc.

  • All of these inhibit your ability to engage + connect with the people around you in the present moment.

  • Taking action to limit stimuli, discharge excess stimulation, streamline processes, and introduce systems + routines will increase your capacity for the people in your lives and keep you connected to your mission in the midst of all the noise.

 

If this sounds like something you need + want to do but you feel overwhelmed at the thought of doing it by yourself, this is what I do with clients. In the very near future I will be unveiling a “work with me” page for beta testers of my coaching program.

Categories
Mindfulness and Cognitive Science Self Care

How to use your self-talk to bolster your relationships

Do you ever find yourself arriving to work and immediately feeling irritated by the first person you talk to or overwhelmed by the the first problem that comes up? Do you feel like these interactions are out of your control AND they end up setting the tone for your day?

 

When we start to open ourselves to the idea – to the dream – that life could be more fulfilling, that you could finally find a balance that allow you to do what you really want to do, it can be especially disheartening to encounter situations like this.

 

It’s my hope that today’s post will give you the tools you need to start to see change here.

If you ever find yourself upset at a coworker for unknown reasons beyond "he's annoying" then this post is for you. Learn the importance of your self-talk in building good relationships + how your brain has adapted to keep you safe and connected. Read more at alisanelson.co

 

 

Your work is deeply entangled in human relationships. Whether you work with a team or you spend your days guiding others, your ability to connect with people in a positive way can make or break your own sense of well-being.

 

The research I’ve done into human connection and performance has brought me to a surprising conclusion: you need to talk to yourself more.

 

But Alisa, I already talk to myself constantly! I feel like a crazy person!

 

I know! That’s what makes this step so easy. We talk to ourselves all. the. time. There’s a pretty large deviation between estimates of how many words we say to ourselves per day (I’ve seen estimates ranging from 12K to 50K) but suffice it to say it’s always happening. See, it’s not just you.

 

You cannot possibly account for every word you say to yourself. However, knowing that this is happening and steadily increasing your awareness of your default self-talk can increase your capability during interactions with other people throughout the day.

 

What kinds of things do we want to know about your self-talk?

  • What are the oft-repeated scripts you say/think about yourself?
  • What is your view of time?
  • How do you rate your priorities?
  • What’s your reaction to obstacles?
  • What stories do you tell yourself about your co-workers or the people you serve?

 

Our thoughts are capable of putting us into a stressed state – and that can end up cutting us off from the parts of our brain that help us accurately view + interpret the world around us. All throughout the day your brain is relying on pre-established habits. You’re on autopilot. And that includes what you say to yourself and the pictures your paint of people.

 

Without realizing it, you could be getting frustrated with a co-worker who is asking questions during a meeting because your brain is going off of the memory. Like when your talkative brother made you late for school. Your brain has trained your body to get anxious + feisty when something outside of your control takes more time than you were expecting.

 

The actual origin of the habit isn’t important. What IS important is recognizing the brain’s ability to induce stress by superimposing an alternate reality without our realizing it.

 

We live our lives through mental models.

Our survival-focused brain builds these models as we go through life to strengthen its cause-effect analysis and thus increase the likelihood of survival. In our modern world, our stress response tends to get initiated unnecessarily. Take the above example of being late for school. Our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have established habits of being in certain places on time because losing track of the tribe could mean death. Isolation was not a good thing. So the brain adapted a system in which it releases neurochemicals like serotonin and oxytocin to motivate us to behave appropriately and maintain our relationships. 

 

We establish these habits as children – like all mammals, we are pretty helpless on our own when we first start out. And humans take the longest to develop to full maturity (like 3 decades, people!).

My own kids regularly voice their fears of me forgetting them or leaving them behind when we are preparing to leave the house. That is their survival brain urging them to stay close to me because being alone equals vulnerability. That is their current mental model. I even have my own here – an anxiety about turning all the lights off when my husband isn’t home. I don’t want to be in the dark – or even go to sleep – when he is away. My brain has a notion that being by myself is unsafe.

 

Developing the capability to recognize these mental models allows us to modify them as time goes on and we have more information or greater skill. I would expect my children, right now at 2 + 4 years old, to have anxiety about going to bed without me home but as they get older I would try to help them start to process through their fears so they can actively modify their mental models. This intentional practice allows them to alter their brain’s reaction to being alone under certain circumstances. And to start to distinguish between the kind of “alone” that is safe versus an unnecessary vulnerability.

 

Getting in the habit of actively telling yourself stories can help you to do the same. You can begin to rewrite or expand your mental models of the world around you and thus avoid relationship-degrading behaviors. Like snapping at your husband for taking the last chicken nugget because you grew up with a big brother who always ate all the food. Just a hypothetical situation, of course.

 

Why will this help your relationships? Because the active building of your mental models will help you stay more present in your day, intaking data that is relevant to THIS moment rather than reacting based on data that was relevant last week – or 10 years ago. You are a different person with new understandings of the world and ever-expanding capability. Your models should grow with you.

 

Finally, this storytelling does another thing – it opens you up for empathy.

 

For example, when a person yawns, we are not simply mimicking their behavior when we yawn too. The stimulus travels through our mirror neurons down to the limbic + brain stem regions of the brain. We simulate emotionally + physiologically what that other person is feeling. We yawn. As the message travels back up to our prefrontal cortex, we are able to anticipate the needs of this other person and act accordingly. We know how they feel. We can relate. That is empathy.

 

If you’re lost in your own world of passive reactions, you miss the opportunity to connect with the people around you. Empathy meets the needs we all have to be known and to interact socially. You’re increasing your own sense of fulfillment simply because you’re tackling life alongside other people, cooperatively.

 

It’s time to take action. 

I want you to comment below with one of the areas of self-talk that you are going to start observing. Then, I want you to take out a piece of paper or open a doc on your computer and take some notes on what you already know about your self-talk. Or what situations you continue to see yourself overreact in or experience degrading relationships. What assumptions do you see yourself making?

Then, set an alarm on your phone for a few times throughout the day as a prompt to tune back into the stories you are telling yourself.

 

Categories
movement Nutrition and Meal Prep Self Care

How to get started on your own wellness journey

How do you become the person you want to be? How do you take that image of your life that’s buried deep in your mind – possibly feeling like a long lost dream – and start to bring it into reality? A key ingredient to any “transformation” story involves a moment when the person first began to believe they could become the person they wanted to be. Perhaps it was through a health scare, a personal intervention, or the encouragement of trusted voices – each story is unique but contains this turning point where the status quo becomes unacceptable. You love your work. But it’s burning you out. It’s time to find balance + connection to yourself and your mission on your very own wellness journey.

We all love transformation stories. But how do you inspire your own life change? Learn the first step to starting your own wellness journey. Growth happens when we learn to give our own bodies, hearts, and minds what they need. Read more at alisanelson.co

 

How can you encounter that moment for yourself?

Redefine “normal”

I want to tell you something: It starts with you. You looking at you. Your needs, desires, and where you are at in both right this minute. It’s tempting to look somewhere else – at your job, your kids, your relationships, your community – and try to arrange them *just so*. It’s harder to assess our own selves. Our behaviors, how we spend our time, the beliefs we hold that keep us from doing for ourselves what we really need to thrive and be truly effective in our work.

 

But I also see you setting too-low of expectations for yourself. Namely, for your level of well-being.

 

Sure, we joke about it all the time in our various spheres — that spread-too-thin feeling that comes just a little bit before the kids are in bed, or in the final weeks before Christmas break. I’ve come across plenty of memes and hilarious tweets giving accurate description to how our energy and passion ebbs and flows throughout the year. With the sad reality being a multitude of people living below their potential while they numb out on social media or Netflix because they can’t figure out how to nudge their lives into a sustainable rhythm of pouring out, taking in, and growth.

 

Don’t let these trends tell you what is normal.

 

Only having enough energy to make it to the closing bell or to the kids’ bedtime is surviving. We want more for ourselves.

 

Build a picture of where you are right now.

It’s difficult to go on a journey without a map. And maps require a starting point.

In our context we’re talking about a journey to better balance + connection in your life. We want to move beyond burn out into the habits and skills that allow you to continually expand your capacity for pouring out by paying special attention to replenishing your stores.

We often hear the word “self-care” thrown out around this time. I should know, I use it myself. But I tend to expand the word beyond taking physical care of your body. A massage or nightly face-mask sounds great but let’s dig deeper. Self-care is anything + everything you need to do to help yourself keep going on your mission. Maybe you can’t rattle off your very own mission statement but we’re talking about that thing you are investing yourself in. Might be your work, might be your kids — whatever it is, seeing your dream come to fruition requires a level of performance you won’t find by accident.

 

Self-care might look like:

  • The number of hours you sleep in any 24-hour period
  • The amount + style of physical movement you do each day
  • Calming techniques throughout the day that help you release anxiety + refocus your energy
  • The steps you take to keep yourself from getting distracted during the work day
  • The frequency + the way you spend time with loved ones
  • Your personal strategies for coping with disappointment, rejection, or unforeseen obstacles
  • How you prepare for the week / month / year ahead
  • What projects / roles you say yes to
  • The foods you eat throughout the day
  • Your morning + evening routines
  • The way you go about solving problems that pop up day-by-day
  • And more

 

In each area of your life you are taking stock of what will move you forward – increasing your own fulfillment as well as you efficacy. This information will help you start to see where your current journey is taking you. That clearer picture is what we need in order to draw a map from now —-> where you want to be. That is how you bring life to your wellness journey.

 

So, what’s the first step to starting a personal wellness journey?

We certainly can’t start to tackle every area of your life at once! You may have even tried that already. Research indicates that the best place to start when looking for change is to assess your starting point. Where are you now – what situations currently lead to a sense of fulfillment and what circumstances tend to leave you feeling lost, stuck, or confused? Then, you can start to zero in on these various circumstances and build the understanding + skills necessary to bring about the desired outcome.

Remember: We call this a journey because it takes a gradual one-step-in-front-of-the-other approach. The learning of new skills that develop into habits is its own beautiful science because it’s not a one-and-done kind of thing.

 

Your homework:

I’ll close our time together today with questions to get you started building your own self-awareness. The important thing is that you start to get curious about your current self – and that you be honest. You cannot grow if you aren’t willing to take a close look at the input / output of your life.

 

  1. What events or habits (that you currently have) leave you feeling refreshed + ready for action?
  2. What events or habits leave you feeling calm or content? What does the transition look like between these actions → getting back to work?
  3. What activities have you seen yourself grow in throughout the past few months? Where have you intended to grow but haven’t seen much progress?
  4. What behaviors do you tend to fall back on when you feel stressed? Sleeping more? Netflix? Eating out? Spending more time alone? Easily irritated?
  5. When you simulate the above behaviors and trace them backwards, what kinds of things tend to trigger them? Asking yourself what’s for dinner? Hearing your kids fight? Looking through Instagram? A difficult day at work?
  6. Write down a typical day in your life. You could even do this as the day progresses. How many times do you hit snooze, how often are you picking up your phone to check email/social media, how often are you experiencing those moments of awe + wonder that make our efforts feel worth it (and what situations does it tend to happen in), how do you feel prior to lunch / dinner, what’s your pre-bed routine, etc.
  7. What do you think about right before you fall asleep? What are your thoughts as you first wake up? What about at the end of the work day?